Thursday, March 31, 2005


Greenhouse: States fight back!

In a masterful display of ALP state government co-ordination, Victoria, NSW and Queensland have thumbed their noses at the Howard government's irresponsible position on Greenhouse gas emmissions and are setting up their own combined Carbon Trading Marketplace - A move that the Federal Government rejected in it bid to please Big Coal.

It is a nicely timed counterpunch to the recent Costello tax threats, and nicely undercuts the lobbying by big coal that resulted in the Federal Government bailing out of the Greenhouse bandwagon in the first place. Pity it didn't happen sooner, and potentially save a well managed Australian renewable energy company from being flogged off for peanuts to the Spanish. A company, that if it'd been given a bit of Federal Government encouragement could be earning big export bikkies for Australia, but now we'll be paying the Spaniards for the use of their fine technology.

And Howard wants to abolish the States. Now you know why. They make him look like a dill.

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ALP HQ Picket tonight

In a strange and bizarre turnaround that emphasises how much Australian Society has changed, the Victorian ALP Head office in King St. will be picketed tonight by up to 100 ALP members protesting against the Administrative comittee's unsatisfactory response to accusations of branch stacking.

It is ironic indeed that the picket line will be set up to protest against the committee, which is controlled by the right wing faction, and who derive their power from right wing unions such as the AWU. The picket is, in effect, picketing Unions.

Those in power are naturally enough labelling all this a factional stunt perpetrate by the left, but our information is that this is not so. It is, in effect regular rank and file ALP members with no union affiliation who are protesting tonight, and it underlines how dysfunctional the ALP has become.

It was the Unions who began the ALP more than 100 years ago, and it looks like it'll be the Unions who'll be the ones to finish it as well.

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Wednesday, March 30, 2005


Corby Case: Mystery Solved

Readers of Australia's most popular newspaper, The Herald Sun, sobbed in sympathy with convicted criminal with a heart of gold, Mr Ron Vigenser, who the paper describes as "shattered" at being fingered by a witness in the Michelle Corby trial currently underway in Bali.

In a superlative piece of journalistic slueth work The Herald Sun divulges to its readers all sorts of important facts like:

Now I don't know about you, but If you look at the money we spend in the State of Victoria on policing, and then you look at the results that can be achieved by a single Herald Sun reporter, I think there's something sadly amiss. Don't you?

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The Sum of all Fears

Through all the hullabaloo generated when the Lowy Institute released their recent poll on Australian attitudes to the world, there has been a large focus on which countries rank higher in the global popularity contest. Aussies love contests and its no wonder we’re fascinated by our own opinions and which lucky group of nations we will grace with our favour.

The Media however should be able to do better. As Tim Dunlop alludes to there is more in the Lowy report than who gets to be prom queen this year.

Hidden toward the back of the report is Australian attitudes to externally generated threats. Essentially a gauge of public fear. We’ve taken a look at these fears and we’ve nominated which Australian political party is currently making the running with each fear. That is which political party “owns” which fear.

Source - Lowy Institute Posted by Hello

Unfriendly Countries Developing Nuclear Weapons : Owned by Libs
Global Warming :ALP/Greens
International Terrorism : Libs
International Disease Epidemics : Available
Islamic Fundamentalism : Libs
US Foreign Policies : ALP/Greens
World Population Growth :Green
Illegal Immigration and Refugees :Libs
Failing countries in our region :To Close to Call
China's Growing Power :Available

The results are instructive, but not surprising. On the International front the Libs have a far greater Fear Quotient that the ALP and the Greens put together.

We note that there are a couple of Fears currently unclaimed, although the Greens are making an early play for “Disease epidemic”.

The political calculation for the ALP surely must be this: Do they try and launch a takeover bid for a Fear owned at present by the Libs or do they spend a whole lot of resources on marketing, to raise one of the presently unclaimed lower order fears up the pecking order, or do they try some other tactic, not considered by the Libs, like Hope.

Mmmmm truly a quandary for the ALP strategists.

Update: Here's how it works elsewhere.

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Tuesday, March 29, 2005


Heralds Sun "hangs" with druggies

Melbournians were shocked today to discover that reporters from The Herald Sun have admitted associating with known druggies in St. Kilda.

"I used to trust the Herald Sun", said long time resident of Collingwood, Mrs Myrtle West. "and now, they're in with 'that' crowd"

Minister for Police Tim Holding was equally as scathing. "Drugs are a problem in this community, especially amongst the youth, and The Herald Sun flagrantly abuses its position in society by glorifying this activity"

Not only glorifying we might add, but publicising the location where eager junkies can do "a deal". In a car park outside a famous nightclub, which we won't name for fear of exacerbating the situation.

The Herald Sun also advertises what drugs are available for purchase, tells you the price, and recommend which "dope" should be avoided. They even hint that security is lax with no searches of people entering the surrounding clubs.

We are astonished that The Herald Sun seeks to put a human and sympathetic face on this blight, by using the druggie's names, instead of the Federal Government's approved numbering system.

Shame on The Herald Sun. Shame. If we can't trust the Herald Sun to define a narrow agenda for us. Who can we trust?

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Herald Sun eats crow: Spits chips

Australia's most popular newspaper. The Herald Sun was forced to eat humble pie in its recent battle with Bob Brown and the Greens.

The Australia Press Council upheld a complaint made by Sen Brown that asserted that The Herald Sun made false claims about the Greens in the lead up to the last election.

The Australian Press Council viewed the article as "irresponsible journalism"

What's more the APC has ordered the Herald Sun to print the ruling in full in their newspaper. In effect forcing the paper to admit to its readership that it engages in irresponsible journalism.

But does the Herald Sun take this lying down. No

In a fine sensationalist flourish it turns a bad situation to its benefit.

It starts its piece with these three sentences - just to set the tone:

THE Australian Press Council's ruling on Senator Bob Brown vs the Herald Sun shines another spotlight on the radical dreams of the Australian Greens.That harsh light confirms that the Australian Greens is not the warm, tree-hugging party that voters might think. Instead, the Greens have the most radical set of policies and goals of any party in Australia's parliament.

Only by sentence four do we get a sense that there might be something else in play

The Press Council's adjudication (published in full below) is sharply critical of the Herald Sun's August 31 report.

The article then goes on to carefully pick and choose the most damning clauses from the Greens policy. It refers you to a URL to confirm their story: ( However this takes you to a page saying "Our apologies the item you requested no longer exists" - What more proof can one need. the Greens have removed the evidence.

But, no sorry, just the wrong URL. Try this instead.

And there you can find them. These shocking clauses, designed to undermine the moral fabric on Australia. But, they just seem sort of, I dunno, reasonable when you read the whole thing.

The list goes on and on. The Herald Sun proving that the Greens are a danger to society, and then finally, in a Fair and Balanced act of full disclosure, appended to the end of this damning evidence against the Greens, they gallantly and openly offer their reader the full, text of the APC's finding.

How can one not fail to be impressed by the fairness of The Herald Sun. Always prepared to show two sides of the story.

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Monday, March 28, 2005


Resurrection Rusty

We no doubt are as shocked as you are to hear of the demise of Russell Crowe’s band, Thirty Odd Foot of Grunts. But look on the bright side, like Russell, who will now experience “the joy of writing unrestricted, of talking from my heart and mind simultaneously about things that are important to me right now . . . as a 41-year-old father/husband/lover/man.”.

Fortunately Easter, the time of resurrection holds out the promise of new hope for TOFOG fans. Crowe, you see, plans more releases “by some method outside of the formalised corporate structure of music".

We think what he means by this is that he intends to bypass normal means of music delivery. We think Russell intends to sing directly into your soul.

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Thursday, March 24, 2005


Australia. Now part of Asia

No need anymore to face that dreadful dilemma: History? Geography? History?
The decision has been made. Brilliant!

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Government Whistleblower Persecuted.

The BIG GOVERNMENT story just gets more damning every day. The Herald Sun, Australia’s most popular newspaper has uncovered the shocking story of brave whistleblower and former mayor of Maroondah Council Mr. Neil Rose.

Mr Rose you see has come out with the most startling and frank allegations about laziness and ineptitude in BIG GOVERNMENT that The City has seen for at least a week.

Mr Rose alleges:

Of course this courageous admission of government wastage and incompetence is not going unpunished. Another arm of Government, the brutal and conniving TAC, is seeking revenge on the hapless Mr. Ross.

The TAC is now attempting to sever Mr. Ross’s financial lifeline. Weekly benefits he receives because of an accident: indeed a series of accidents, including a failed business; being comatose at a nightclub; and a conviction for drunk driving behind the wheel of a police car, have left only one career option open to Mr. Ross, that of Mayor. And now powerful BIG GOVERNMENT wants to take even that away.

We are forever hearing about Skills Shortages, yet we allow vindictive State Government departments to harass qualified individuals to the point where they feel its just not worth going on.

It's time to step in Mr. Howard!

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Some things....

are just too damn difficult, and complex, and fraught with moral dillema to tackle here at The City. These things we gladly outsource to those more capable.

We'll stick with what we know best. Black and White!

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Wednesday, March 23, 2005


Decline and Fall

Sometimes you get a sense of the inexorable march of history. No more so when you are witness to the inevitable decline of once great empires.

And so it is, with the once mighty empire of Australia’s richest polo player, Kerry Packer.

Perhaps it’s just that bad news, like waves, comes in sets, but we sense there’s more to it than that. We’ve picked up the whiff, the stink of decline.

First there was the awful news that Australia’s iconic title The Bulletin was losing readers like Warwick Fairfax loses money.

Then there was the heartbreaking story of Australia’s premier network, Channel Nine, that was no longer Still the One.

Next the shock and awe as supposed partners Ten, do a deal with mortal enemy Seven to steal the AFL rights away from rightful owner’s Nine and Eddie McGuire. A knife in the back. La Cosa-Nostra style.

Mr. McGuire - Shivved. Posted by Hello

Today, the sad news that Mr. Packer’s one remaining joy. His gambling habit. Is to undergo the shame of scrutiny and exposure, by BIG GOVERNMENT.

We couldn’t help feeling sad about all of this, and so we’ve put our heads together and come up with a plan to save Mr. Packer’s empire.

The City is offering to enter into a 50/50 partnership with Channel Nine to win the auction for footy rights against Seven and Ten. Here’s the plan.

The Problem: Nine, because of its rugby league commitments, is unable to broadcast AFL into the Sydney market. There is a clash. This is not acceptable to the AFL.

The Solution: The City has the technology and the ability to offer REAL TIME TEXTCASTS TM to Sydney AFL fans, thus offering them the excitement of LIVE FOOTBALL. – Problem solved!

Now we don’t unfortunatley, see a role for Mr. McGuire in all of this, but hey, that’s business.

Now you may wonder why we are being so sympathetic to Mr. Packer’s current woes given what we’ve said in the past about Channel Nine, and it is a good question.

Our response is this: If you aren’t prepared to compromise your principles for a whole lotta loot, then when are you going to compromise them?

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Tuesday, March 22, 2005


Big Government Persecution

Just when you thought that Government couldn’t get any more irresponsible in spending your hard-earned moolah, comes the Nightmare scenario that wakes us all up at 2.30 in the morning with cold sweats.

The council ordering the demolition of your new home!

Consider the plight of Melbourne based Croat family the Jurkics , now facing persecution from the chardonnay swilling overlords in the Manningham City Council.

James Jurkic son of Croat parents Victor and Manda, (Croatia is a country in Europe. Formally part of Yugoslavia: Not the Muslim part!) is being ordered by the council to demolish the new house that he has almost completed, and has not moved into yet.

In his natural desire to accommodate his ageing and virtually incapacitated parents he has cleverly turned his single home from one house into two houses.

Mr Jurkic's Invention Posted by Hello

This is the sort of innovation and entrepreneurship that Australia needs my friends. Smart people with ingenious ideas, taking good old Aussie know-how to the world.

But what we have instead is BIG GOVERNMENT, spending your taxes to punish the little guy. Punish the battler. To build his home Mr Jurkic has had impossible obstacles placed in his way by Government. He’s had to employ surveyors, architects, and negotiate the Byzantine legal maze that is planning approval and building approval, insurance etc.

And now after just a few minor changes to the structure on the way (and what inventor ever gets it right first time?), BIG GOVERNMENT is ordering him to take it all down because it doesn’t look like they imagined it would!

By allowing these latte lapping louches to loll around in local government looking for things to engage their endless spare time, we have killed off yet another fabulous private enterprise initiative, and sacrificed another little piece of the Great Australian Dream.

I think I’m going to cry.

Courtesy of the Herald Sun. Australia’s most popular Newspaper

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Choose your war!

Its not the War on Terror anymore folks. If you think that then you're sadly behind the times. The War has been extended into new realms, and segmented into 5 individual but simultaneous wars, and you can now choose any or all of them to fight. It's about liberty and freedom of choice you see!

Direct from Capital Hill we present you the list of wars currently waging against America and or the Church.

1. War with Islamic Terrorists at home & abroad!
2. War with European Secularism!
3. War with Red China! (We don't realize it yet!)
4. War with the Pagan Left in our Churches & Culture!
5. War with Those who Despise Christ & Our Judeo Christian Heritage!

Feel free to slip into one and try it on for size.
Show it of to your friends. Notice their admiring glances.

Via J-Walk

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Monday, March 21, 2005


Intellectual Property Terror Horror!

Hot on the heels of the Tim Blair mirrored site controversy where self procaimed oppressor and rumoured journalist, Tim Blair did his lolly over a small 32 line script prepared by techno guru and exposer of fraudsters Tim Lambert, comes an interesting development in the land of IP.

First the back story: Blair discovers that Lambert has created a 'copy' of his site, which though "white-man magic" bypasses Blair's comments fortress, and allows anyone to say whatever they want. Blair gets very upset and threatens to bring on the Packer Lawyers . Ken Parish chimes in with his legal opinion and then everyone else dives in afterwards giving their best bush laywer impression.

One of the objections was that it was stealing Blair's IP and infringing his copyright. We thought that if that was so, then Google should be prime target number one because Google both caches and modifies privately held website material from all over the world, and thus Google would technically be in breach of everyone's copyright.

Well it looks like the test case may now happen. As the Age reports. Agence France-Presse has sued Google Inc. for copyright infringement, alleging that the Internet search engine included AFP headlines, news summaries and photographs published without permission.

This is going to throw the cat amongs the pidgeons in the world of IP. If AFP win this case, then Google will be required to ask permission to every web content provider before they cache the contents. I wonder if Tim Blair will grant permission.

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Sunday, March 20, 2005


Say it aint so...

Could Melbourne's love affair with black be over? asks The Age. And an important question it is to. Black might not be the favoured shade anymore of Country Road customers opines Sophie Holt, creative director. "They're begging for more fashion" apparently.

This my friends in nothing short of a disaster! Melbourne is black! Ok, a worn, faded, dandruff dusted, saggy bottomed black I have to admit, but black nonetheless.

I recall flying into Melbourne direct from LA a few years back, and the American couple in the seat behind were looking out the window on the approach to Tullamarine. They were thrilled an astonished even this early in their journey. "Its so green", I heard the wife say, "all the trees", then as we approached lower. "And all the roofs of the houses. They're all red". (the red tiled roofs you understand). "Do you think its the law to have red roofs?" she asked her husband. "It looks so pretty".

The same could be said by visiters to Melbourne about our penchant for black. "Do you think its the law that all the office workers, and the clubbers, and the dirty sweaty rockers at the Corner wear black?"

No its not the law luv. It's just that we in Melbourne have got an innate sense of cool. Its about individualism. Its an individual thing, and yes we are all individuals.

Some people like to rationalise it. "Oh blacks easy, you don't have to think". Well that's bullshit! In the darkened gloom of a cold winter morning, you'd better think, or those navy blue socks in your draw will appear to be black when you pull them on, and you are going to look like a right duffer for the rest of the day.

Don't let those sunny Sydneysiders seduce you with their garish colours, their loudness. Because let me tell you loud is just so passe.

Its fightback time my friends. We can't have some Sydneysiders or creative fashionazis telling us what to think and believe.

You know your comfortable in it, so be comfortable and proud. Do a Winmar. Lift up your woolly black jumper and point proudly at your black Gunners T-Shirt underneath. Girls, do what ever it is you do with your decolletage and black lacy push ups. It works let me tell you. It works!

Don't ever forget. We are like Ali, black supermen. We are bootyliceous black mammas. We are black. .... We are proud!

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Saturday, March 19, 2005


ALP Corruption Marathon

It might just be starting to dawn on you by now that The Age is running a campaign against branch stacking and other corruption in the ALP. In this weekend's Saturday Age there was yet another piece suggesting the possibility of a Police investigation, and in addition the always insightful Shaun Carney discusses the ALP malaise and the context of the current fiasco in his opinion piece.

This means that since March 10th there have been 11 articles about the ALP stacking and corruption in just 9 days. Here they are:

Also there's been 8 journalists involved in this story : Ian Munro, Paul Austin, Kirsty Simpson, William Birnbauer, Jason Dowling, Farrah Tomazin, Ewin Hannan, Shaun Carney. So its not just one hack with a bee in his bonnet. The Age is putting quite a lot of resources into this. This is not some page filler. It is a campaign.

The question is why? The right faction who are the ones who recently siezed control, and are the ones principally being accused of the skullduggery, must surely be feeling the heat under this sustained media barrage. They have of course tried to serve up their counter spin. They're saying that its just the Left faction being sore-losers, and there might be an element of truth in that, but if that was all this was about then The Age would have dropped this long ago.

No. I think they know that they've got their teeth stuck into something really meaty. The stories ring true. Here's Shaun Carney on the ALP's view of itself and the stacking furore.

A lot of senior Labor figures have privately expressed a degree of
bewilderment at the media focus, a good deal of it coming in recent weeks
from this newspaper, on the party's internal battles over branch stacking.
That's because the culture of the party, with its endless soapie-style
dramas and unresolved conflicts, has so overwhelmed their world view that
they find it too hard to step outside and have a look back.

If they could take that step and get a dispassionate view of the ALP,
which is how the vast majority of Australians see it, they would find
themselves gazing at an often bewildering maze of factions, sub-factions and
tendencies nourished by inexplicable personal enmities, conflicting
ambitions and, occasionally, ideological differences.

They would see an organisation that devotes an enormous amount of time
and energy to infighting.

They would also see leaders such as Steve Bracks and Kim Beazley who
appear unconcerned or unmoved by all of the desperate claim and
counter-claim, stacking and counter-stacking that's going on right now.

They might even be able to climb into the mindset of quite a few voters,
who see the Labor Party as a sometimes great and perhaps even occasionally
decent political organisation that knows more about damaging what people now
refer to as its "brand" than just about anything else - including winning
federal elections.

Somewhere in the ALP there are enough talented people with enough good
ideas to actually make a difference to the party's fortunes. Some of them
are even involved in branch stacking.
But that will not count for much if Labor cannot climb out of the faction-ridden morass in which it has placed itself.

Its got to stop, this factional rubbish, this endless cycle of petty corruption. These are people we hope one day will be running the country, but do we really want people who's experience is this cheap, petty, corruption, running the government?

The Victorian Right faction claim they're doing all this to clean out the dead wood and get talent into Parliament. Well it does make you ask what sort of talent they are suggesting ought to be there instead? What exactly will be the primary area of expertise of these factionally annointed future parliamentarians? Do you think that the habits that they've learned in stacking school will just vanish? The rate they're going they'll be sending the next generation to the Russian Duma for some work experience under Uncle Vladimir.

The ALP claim they're the party of big ideas. Well we'd like to see some! And if we can't get that then I say to The Age, sally forth brave knights. Thrust your sword into the fetid sore and let it bleed. Expose the rot for all to see. Name the names, and if it kills the beast in the process then so be it. It would have deserved to die.

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Friday, March 18, 2005


The US Office

We loved The Office here at the City. So when we heard that the Americans were going to make their own version, we chortled and sniggered and jabbed ourselves in the ribs, and said. "Naaah, never. Won't work".

Apparently some Americans have seen it and they say: "I hate to say I told you so."

We think British comedy is best left to the British (and the ABC).

via JWalk

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Thursday, March 17, 2005


Australia not number one :OECD

What is it with these Europeans hey? What have they got against freedom and democracy?

Today we learn that the OECD, an organisation my friends, located in Paris, France, has not given us any coloured stars on our homework. Like the nitpicking, funspoiling, freedom hating, black helicopter pilots that they are, they've sent a note to our parents saying we're not concentrating in class and can do better.

Here's the list of lefty propaganda that they're trying to peddle:

Now read this list again people. Do they once mention Thorpey or Hackett? Do they mention The Shark? Do they mention Warney? Do they mention the hottest chicks on the block? Elle? Megan? Kristy?. Do they mention Channel Nine, who by the way are still the one? Do they mention that President Bush mention's our John's name quite often on the news, and that they're pardners?, Do they mention the new Monaro? or Fosters? or the fact that our lads are in Iraq? Do they say how cute our accent is, and talk about the wonderful wine we make? Do they mention at all the Big Pinapple, The Big Lobster, The Big Merino, or RM Williams boots?

No they don't. They ignore all the evidence that doesn't suit their argument.

What is it with these people? Any normal person would be jealous!

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Spot the difference...

The three pictures below are almost identical. We have however made some slight changes. See if you can spot the difference.

Picture 1 Posted by Hello

Picture 2 Posted by Hello

Picture 3 Posted by Hello

That's right. The white fella in Picture 3 has no dress sense. He doesn't know what to wear when pretending to be a terrorist!

Oh yeah. He's also one of Mr. Howard's buddys and therefore is above suspicion.

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Wednesday, March 16, 2005


Nifty Trick....

Today's Nifty trick award goes to Tim Lambert for his excellent technical calisthenics over at "This is Not Tim Blair's Blog"

Update: Nifty trick removed. Oh well, all good things must come to an end.

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US insult to Aussie troops

It's a spit in the eye of our brave Aussie lads. After the PM's seemingly successful negotiation to allow 450 of our finest democracy defenders to fight terror in the predominately Muslim country of Iraq, it seems that the US doesn't want any more of our boys. They want to keep all the fun for themselves.

A US official, who the Herald Sun, Australia's most popular newspaper has promised not to name, has admitted that it was Britian and Japan that were asked to give the bad news to Prime Minister John Howard that only 450 Aussie troops would be allowed to join in the exitement. And why was that you might ask? Because President Bush couldn't tell Mr Howard directly. To his face. Man to Man!

This very same Herald Sun secret US official, has tried to dampen speculation that Iraq would seek to become a fundamentalist state. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why either. The equation looks pretty simple to us. Fundamentalism = Terror = Plenty of Shoot 'em up action. The Americans it seems are organising a party, and we're not getting an invite!

It's no wonder the PM's trying to hose down discussion of this troop deployment. If Aussies knew the truth, that the Americans are just looking out for number one, and not sharing the spoils, then the PM, who's spent the last few years telling us about his regular little chit-chats with the President, is going to have egg on his face. Well Prime Minister what's it to be: You either own up to being diddled, or you continue to allow our brave boys to be humiliated?

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Tuesday, March 15, 2005


C'mon Sydney. Get with the Program..

Once again Sydney falls behind when it comes to entertainment. Aside from the lucky fluke that was the Olympics, what has Sydney done of late?. Nuthin!. While we in Melbourne and indeed the other State capitals have been parking our arses off with great television events such as the Melbourne Cup, the Australian Open, and the Grand Prix, and are lining up for the next big one the Commonwealth Games- coming to a wide-screen plasma near you in less that one year. Sydneysiders it seems are not pulling their weight in the couch potato stakes.

Nope, it seem that Brian and the dedicated gangs at Nine, Seven and Ten, who work hard to put on the 6pm Giggle Hour, so that you can relax with your feet up while the wife bungs the McCains in the microwave, are going unappreciated in the Harbour City.

Crikey reports that only 8% of Sydneysiders are supporting the 6pm news, while the national champions over in Perth are putting in a top-notch 13%.

What is more amazing. The nation’s advertisers are lavishing a staggering $980 Million per year on Sydneysiders and only $785 Million on Melbourne, but Sydneysiders just aren’t responding in kind.

Now c’mon Sydney. Don’t give us that flimsy worn out old excuse that the weather’s nice and you want to go surfing, ‘cause we won’t buy that one anymore. Perth’s got better surf and better weather, and they’re punching well above their weight.

It’s the economy stupid! Its all about the economy. If you’re not at home fitting the new rear projection plasma, if you’re not titivating’ the home with spas and sound systems and battery powered swimming gold fish bowls, if you’re not appreciating the money that’s being spent on you in advertising, then you will be held responsible when the economy tanks. We won’t be blaming John Howard. We’ll comin’ after you!

Get with the Program Sydney!

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Look into my eyes....

Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, don’t look around the eyes, don’t look around the eyes, look into my eyes.. snap you’re under..

Posted by Hello

When you wake up you will believe that interest rates have not risen. You will believe that we don’t have a terrible trade deficit, you will forget that we’ve sent 450 troops to Iraq. You will forevermore ignore reports to the contrary, and you will think that I am fifteen years younger… roughly the same age as Peter Costello.

In ten seconds you will wake up. You will not remember this conversation three… two…. one…. Snap.

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Monday, March 14, 2005


Piss off Warne you Traitor!

That's right Warney. Just bugger off. After all we've done for you mate. Stuck by you through thick and thicker, swung the deal you let you off light for the drugs bust, and now, as Australia's most popular newspaper The Herald Sun says you're "turning your back on Melbourne".

We didn't ask questions when you were caught sending dirty little SMSs.
We didn't say "Oh getting a little hoity-toity now are we?" when you moved into Brighton
We didn't "tut-tut" when you pranced around like a nob on the Cricket pitch.
We believe you when you said your mother thought you looked fat and that the diet pills would be worth a shot, cause the beer diet wasn't working.

And now. You turn your back on us. Melbourne's beaches not good enough eh? Wife want's to loll around on the beach in Spain eh? Future is in England eh?

Well bugger you Warney! And I can tell you that our little mate, Johnny B. Howard is not that chuffed either, and when he gets a whiff of the feeling down here in Bay 13, then you'll wish you were born in Zimbabwe and not our dearly beloved Melbourne!

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We're Deputy around these here parts!

"Watch out China, 'cause we're the meanest gun-toting hombres around these here badlands, and we won't be toleratin' any of that, what yer call inscrutability from any of you oriental types mind.

Them's the fighting words from Acting Vice Deputy Sherriff Alexander Downer earlier today.

"If America needs to pull together a posse, well then, we stand ready to do our part."

Vice Deputy Sheriff Peter Costello, upon hearing these statements contacted Mr. Downers' office and reminded him that China is our third largest export market and growing.

By midday Acting Vice Deputy Sherrif Downer, had released a clarification.

"We thinkum we likum smokim peace pipe. There be heap big plenty buffalo for everyone. You stayum your side of hill, we stayum our side, and I offer my daughter as sign of frenship, dig?"

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Sunday, March 13, 2005


Storm in Vic ALP reaches crisis point

News today that Victorian Premier Bracks has become caught up in the murky dealings of the Victorian ALP. The Premier has been exposed by a member of a branch in Mr. Brack's electorate, a Mr. Dave Davies.

The letter sent in 1994 by Bracks to Davies, virtually admits that Bracks owes his position to a deal with the all powerful Right Faction (The stack merchants) . The Faction made it clear to Bracks. No Deal - No opportunity for you buster! Key negotiator (read manipulator) at the time for this all powerful faction was non other than the infamous Senator Robert Ray. - Kingmaker to the Stars!

Bracks wrote, "I knew from the outset that due to the Labor Unity/Socialist Left deal, I had very little chance of winning preselection and that it would probably go to a candidate from Labor Unity from outside the electorate"

The message to Bracks was - become a 'made-man' or forget it.

In the1994 letter Bracks agrees with Davies that the branch stacking and corruption must be exposed for what it is, but now the Premier refuses to act to stamp out this corruption.

So the question has to be asked. Has Bracks changed his mind about the corruption? Is it all OK now, the evidence says no!. So why Mr. Bracks are you trying to suggest things are fine?

Update : Kirner calls for revolt!

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Friday, March 11, 2005


Corruption City

Like the Mafia code of Omerta the 'made-men' who control the upper echelons of the Victorian ALP, who manipulate the membership base and who look after their cronies, are very careful to keep up appearances. No one speaks out against their behavior lest they be accused of 'ratting' on the ALP, of being traitors to the cause. But what cause are members expected to follow? The cause of corruption and cronyism it seems!

Well no longer. People are speaking out. Today on your ABC, 774's Jon Faine interviewed someone brave enough to break the code of Omerta.

Heather Wellington is both a doctor and a lawyer. Today she named names. She has told us the full sordid seamy details of stinking corruption of stacking and manipulation that's infiltrating all corners of an institution that holds government in the State of Victoria, and has aspirations to hold government in Australia.

Ms Wellington you see, ran for pre-selection for the Seat in Bellarine, and was told none too subtly by a certain Richard Marles , Assistant secratary of the ACTU to butt out, 'cause he'd already decided that his ex-wife Lisa Neville was getting the gig.

Ms Wellington didn't back down in the face of this pressure, but proceeded in her campaign. She faced more pressure from the likes of Martin Pakula NUW Branch Secretary, John Eren, David Saunderson and others who's names we didn't catch.

On the day of the ballot for this safe seat, Ms Wellington, who expected a fix, was staggered to see a procession of Tarrago vans arrive, loaded to the gills with people who'd she didn't know including no doubt great grandma of soccer club fame.The result was of course that the aforementioned Lisa Neville got to stick her shiny backside on the plush seats of the Victorian Parliament House.

Ms Wellington then wrote a letter to all the members of the electorate of Bellarine, complaining about the corruption and she was pounced on by Senator Stephen Conroy you remember, the one that Mark Latham tried to expose in Parliament.

There a pattern forming here, and the picture being painted is not good.

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Thursday, March 10, 2005


Embassy Terror Horror in Malaysia

It was Terror Alert Level Orange yesterday at the Australia High Commission in Kuala Lumpur Malaysia. Shocked Australian diplomats in the virtually impregnable fortress like compound had their eyes brutally torn from the Television screen (Daryl's Dancing with the Stars was showing) , as they cast their gaze outside to where they thought they heard a bang.

Australia's most popular newspaper, The Herald Sun confirms the horror, and we summarize the facts for you here:

A DFAT spokesman said. "We are going to seek a briefing from the Malaysian police". Too right they'll be seeking a briefing. They'll be demanding answers, and they'll get them to. They don't call us the Deputy Sherriff for nothing y'know.

We'll report back to you when we know more.

Rex - signing off from The City : Always first with the Terror Horror!

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Wednesday, March 09, 2005


Just ask yourself...

Just ask yourself: is there any risk of The Herald Sun protesting if Andrew Bolt has written something unfit to print?

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Editorial: Skills Shortage? Babe Shortage?

The Skills Shortage: You've heard it a lot in the last few days. It's become the latest fashionable political idea. Everyone's going on about it. The Beazer's blaming Howard for it, for not doing anything about it for the last nine years, and he's right. The government's done nuthin! But let's face it it's not exactly been top of the ALPs agenda either. Truth is, the ALP found out about it just last week, at the same time as the government, and now its all the rage.

Now of course business wants to import guest workers, and neither the government nor the opposition quite know what to do with that suggestion, since for the govermemnt, its tantamount to opening the doors to refugees, and for the opposition its tantamount to kicking the Unions in the head. Looks like a no-win situation to us.

Now just to show that we in the City can never accused of being laggards in the innovative public policy space, we've picked up on an appalling trend and we're calling for action.

It seems that Aussie Women are Fat, Frumpy and Frigid!

Yes fellas the Aussie chick is letting herself go to seed, and is letting you down! No bloody wonder we've got a declining birth rate. The Aussie chick is just not up to scratch!

Whatever happened to the Shelia we are compelled to ask? She was smart, sassy and accommodating. She knew how to treat her bloke. These days though it seems they're more interested in being on reality TV (or sitting in front of it) , than cookin' hubby dinner after a hard day at work.

It's time fellas to start lobbying government. Lean on your local member. It's time to fix the 'babe drain'. It's shape up girls, or we ship a new bunch in. It's time to take competition policy seriously!

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Tuesday, March 08, 2005



The Age newspaper continues again today its ongoing campaign to unseat the Victoran Bracks Labor government.

In an shocking expose The Age highlights the amazing cozy deals approved by state Treasurer John Brumby. The deals relate to the Synchrotron project or the 'Stink'rotron and we like to call it hear at the City. Consider these remarkable facts concerning Synchrotron boss Max Rodgers:

Julian Kennelly spokesman for the Union of Unproductive Plodders said, "We reckon for the money they're coughing up for Rodgers, we could have a whole department of people employed to sharpen pencils, we can't stand to see such a waste of public money as this so-called Labor government seems to accept"

Why, we ask, doesn't the Bracks government get serious about the Synchrotron? We suggesst the following:

The possibilities are endless, and unless the Bracks government starts listening to people who know what they're talking about, they're in big trouble.

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Monday, March 07, 2005


Kylie seeks Freedom from Frog Shit in Frog Shit

Pop Diva Kylie Minogue, along with her famous bum, is setting up home in an unsewered mosquito infested swamp in Victoria's French Island (Frog Island). French Island is an isolated island in Westernport Bay a small ferry is the only access, and the island has no electical power.

"This is just a ploy" said world famous, multi-millionare, ex-Geelong boy, Liberal party member, papparrazi king, Darren Lyons. "She's a media slut, she's a media harlot, she's a media tart, and she likes it looooooong and hard"

Media watchers speculate that the reason behind the move to the secluded location is to stop the papparazzi from setting up outside broadcast vans with sattelite connection adjacent to the Minogue home, and thus granting Kylie a respite from the 24 hour media circus.

"She's be nothing is it wasn't for us", said Lyons "and now she's going all coy, expecting us to wade through shit to get shots of her arse, which by the way folks is starting to sag, along with her tits. These stuck up princesses like her and Nicole Kidman, deserve everything they get"

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We need more 16 year old mums: Howard

Hot on the heals of his announcment today that kids ought to drop out of school early and take up chimney sweeping, Prime Minister John Howard has also annouced that he'd like to see the girls up-the-duff by 16.

"We've got some serious social imbalaces we're trying to address, and we need to look at some serious changes to society to adapt to the new situations", said the Prime Minister.

In a comprehensive policy statement released today entitled "Oliver Twist", the Prime Minister outlined the logic behind the goverments thinking:

"Its quite simple you see. We don't have enough people doing the hard dirty work because they're too educated, and don't want to. So our solution is to create a group of people who aren't so educated and don't know any better.

We've got a problem of an ageing population. The Solution? Get girls pregnant early and often.

We've become uncompetitive against Asian labour: Dismantle the IR system so that workers get paid less.

We anticipate an increase in crime, so we're going to re-introduce capital punishment, and we'll be putting the extra prisoners on floating barges in our bays and rivers until we can find someplace to send them.

We're going to create opportunity by re-enstating and formally enshrining the class system into leglislation. It'll be great, trust me."

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Channel Nine Crashes Hooray!

Laugh? We cacked ourselves today on reading the welcome news that Australia's most up-themselves network, Channel Nine, can't hold their audience any longer.

The network who bought us such greasy self-important tossers as Geoff McMullan, Ray Martin, Eddie Maguire, Steve Leibemann, Richard Wilkins, Richard Carleton, Laurie Oakes;

The network who bought us such pathetic Jana Went clones as Liz Hayes and legions of other husky voiced hacks;

The network who bought us stupid blokey self serving footy shows;

The network who introduced slick sets, high production values and a stable of stars and in the process took Australian TV and Australian values down market;

The network who had the audacity to claim that they are Australia's Premier Network, Australian most trusted network, and Still the One.

Well good news folks. They ain't number one anymore!.

Sad part is, its not that the public has changed their tastes, its just that the other commercials have figured out how to play them at their own game.

Still- better than nothing I guess.

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Friday, March 04, 2005


Pirates on the High Seas

It's high seas robbery down there in the Southern Ocean, with six pirate fishing vessels plundering the rapidly depleting stocks of the fabled Patagonian Toothfish, something which I've never had offered to me at the local Fish'n'Chippery, and it's got me all riled up.

It turns out that our brave boys on the strangely named Oceanic Viking (I prefer Southern Sherriff), just have to sit around while these pirates, these poachers of the deep, steal the exquisite and rare Patagonian flesh right off my plate.

It also turns out that our boys are armed and dangerous , and even though these vessels are from rogue nations: Togo and Georgia who haven't signed up to the fishery conventions, our government won't act because it would be breaking the law of the sea- International Law.

Well I say to Senator MacDonald, and John Howard - It's never worried you before! So why start now?

Blast those bastards out of the water. Let them have it. Take them out! C'mon Let's Roll! Show them you're made of sterner stuff! Andrew Bolt does not tolerate this sort of reserved thoughtful behavior and neither do we.

What are you worried about? Togo? -A small corrupt African nation currently engaged in a civil war? Georgia? Well OK that's a little more serious given that they're owned by the Russian Mafia, who are very good friends with Vladimir Putin. But think about it, seriously. If you take out those Georgian flagged vessels and Big Vlad get's in a huff, then you can always call on your mate George, who's having is own issues with Vlad, and who by the way, has got a whole bloody Navy just foating around the ocean doing nothing at the moment. It's time they were given a little bit of practice.

It's time for action Johnny boy, pull the finger out and give us a bit of drama on the high seas!

The dinner tables of Australia demand you act now.

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Thursday, March 03, 2005



photo:Herald Sun Posted by Hello
Senator Bill Heffernan vowed today to close down the Melbourne Grand Prix after seeing this photo of beach volleyballer Kerri Potharst dry rooting Formula One Ace Michael Schumacher.

"This sort of behaviour is what I'd expect of my dog." said the Senator. "and thousands of impressionable kids watch the Grand Prix, looking up to their idols, and this is how they behave, Its a disgrace"

Australian Grand Prix Supremo, Tim Bamford was unapolagetic. "We've got to do something to keep the kiddies interested, there's so much competition for their attention, and models standing around in bikinis is just not cutting it anymore, we've got to take things to the next level"

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Costello a wowser: Beasley

Opposition Leader Kim Beazy, in an attempt to talk up more leadership tension in the Liberal Party, said today that Treasurer Costello "didn't hit the bottle enough" to be PM.

"All the best PMs in history were soaks", said Beasley. " Look at Curtin, Hawke even Winston Churchill all utter pissheads, but the Treasurer? Too prim, too proper, too ready to look down his nose at the everyday Australian who just wants to get stonkered on a Saturday night"

"Even the Prime Minister, with his preference for dry sherry and elevenses, has more in common with the Australian people, well at least older Australian women, than the Treasurer", opined the Opposition leader, "and look at him now, he's just delivered the worst trade performance on record, and he's had to stand up there and pretend its all fine. I reckon the poor bugger could use a drink!"

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Liquidators Laughing Loudest

Joy, Joy, Joy. That's the feeling around the office at Korda Mentha today, one of Australia's most well known recievers and administrators. "We can smell Christmas coming early this year", said senior partner Joe Ferraro.

The bouyant mood around the office was a direct result of the news yesterday of an economic triple whammy. The coincident occurence of increased in interest rates, increased health care premiums, and a downturn in the economy.

"It had to happen eventually" said Mr. Ferraro, "and the fact that it all happened together is really quite exciting". The receivers and administration firms don't expect an immediate windfall however as the immediate effects will be felt by families and mortgage holders. "What we're waiting for is the cascade effect" said Mr. Ferrero. " Once the Mums and Dads start defaulting on their payments, then the lenders that they borrowed from will collapse, and then it'll just ripple through the whole economy. That's when we step in"

The same optimistic tone can be found at AAA-Debt Collection. Jason "Pit Bull" Watson declared. " great mate, This's going to be a bonaza". In Mr Watson's case however, he will recieve the benefits much earlier. "I've already been out there, getting in peoples faces. It's always easier if they've been softened up a little beforehand"

We contacted the Treasurer for comment on this story, he was not available for a statement, but a spokesman from his office said that the Treasurer would be delighted to hear of such a good news business story.

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Wednesday, March 02, 2005


Factional Fracas Fouls Future

The slease ball has begun, and the newly dominant Victorian ALP Right faction, like Alex and his quartet of droogs from A Clockwork Orange are going off to do a bit of Singing in the Rain.

Crikey's anonymous tipster gives us another insight into the methods of these feckess finanglers of factional foulness.

The Droogs are named:

Despite their predeliction for ultra-violence, (read dirty little games) though, this little gang are hampered by an uncommon incompetence.

It seems that they appoint flunkeys to front the media but fail to tell the flunkey that he shouldn't admit to branch stacking on their behalf.

They also target high profile Minister Mary Delahunty, which is an obvious insult to Premier Bracks, and he rightly slaps them down.

This little seedy bunch of droogs is determined to have their little clique in power at all costs and be holidaying together in their dashas on the coast of the Baltic in a few years.

But don't for a moment think any of the weaker ALP factions are any better, they play just as dirty.

Lets hope the party elders, Button, Mathews, Cain and young gun Thornley can head them off at the pass with their quickly forming posse of grass roots members.

Update: Guido alerts us to another initiative by the grass-roots gripesters., to be held in the leafy suburbs on the Kooyong electrorate. Lets hope it works. We will only know this when a similar one is held in the shadow of the oil refineries in the West.

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Tuesday, March 01, 2005


Gotta hand it to...

Tim Lambert. The guy is brilliant.

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Sky bluer under Libs: Howard

John Howard yesterday announced that the sky would always be bluer under a Liberal Government than a Labor Government.

It was another audacious move by the PM who's political savvy, and his ability to read the Australian electorate is legend.

When quizzed whether his assertion was a metaphorical one, or did he truly believe that the colour of the sky would be bluer, the PM chose his words carefully. "We of course can't influence the color of the sky on a day to day basis, and it is important to remember that we are going into winter, and so there will be quite naturally a general greyish hue that will last for some time, but on average we can safely assert that things will be bleaker under Labor"

The announcement today by Howard caught Labor leader Kim Beazley by surprise. Beasley who was busy working up a calculated response to the likelyhood of interest rate increases, and the PM's pre-election claim that interest rates would always be higher under Labor, has been forced to rethink his strategy.

"We know Australian's love their blue sky", said the Labor leader, "and we respect that, but sometimes its important for the weather to be overcast, and rain, to get the plants growing"

A telephone poll in today's Herald Sun newspaper seems to back the PMs stance, with 85% of respondants agreeing that the Liberal government can deliver bluer sky.

Pro greenhouse-gas columnist TerryMcCrann was extatic. "It just goes to vindicate our position. The Australian people demand longer summers and with this Liberal government, they'll get them"

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