Rex in the City

Federal Treasurer, Peter "The Bridesmaid" Costello, today announced that he's going wallop those pesky state Premiers with a big stick. He's going to "name and shame" them.

Employing the latest in schoolyard psychcological warfare, Costello is threatening to embarrass them in front of the rest of the class.

It seems though that what's good for the goose is not OK for the gander. Will the Treasurer admit that he himself is a very naughty boy? by letting our trade deficit become the second highest on record? A case of "sticks and stomes" maybe?

Certainly Trade Minister Mark Vaile doesn't seem the slightest bit embarrassed. "We're digging more stuff outta the ground than ever before. Those Chinese are absolutlely gaggin' for our dirt. The problem is we can't shunt the stuff over there quickly enough."

That's right Mr. Vaile. with the cost of coal running about $125 / tonne, roughly the same cost as a DVD player, you need to be digging the stuff up much faster and shipping it over much quicker to keep the Aussie household stocked up with the latest home theatre technology.

Update: Treasurer Costello tries to be upbeat!

In a rare case in Egypt a baby, born with a second head. A head that could blink and smile, underwent an operation to have it removed.

The head was in effect a siamese twin, that had only partially separated.

It's interesting that the word used to describe it is 'parasite'. Does that make a pretty distasteful subject a bit easier to deal with?

I wonder what the ethicists in Liberal HQ make of it?

That's the message from Victorian Labor figures to its members and its sympathisers who have been whingeing about branch stacking and factional featherbedding, and it makes sense too.

Things are set to explode in the Victorian ALP. With the newly empowered dominant right faction let by Biffa Bill Shorten, about to clean out some of the dead wood including ex 3.30 Report presenter Mary Delahunty. Problem is that the Right are just going to install some dead wood of their own.

The only way to fix this self-perpetuating cycle is to increase the numbers of legitimate members so that their numbers completely overwhelm the "stacked" members, which Race Mathews thinks constitute 25% of the party's current numbers.

That's not all though Race. The party's gotta fix the rule that allows unions to control 50% of the vote as well. This rule might be acceptable if union members actually really did vote themselves, (many don't even vote Labor) but the way it works now, the Union vote, comes as a big block with 50% of the clout, and this enormous power rests in the hands of the faction leaders, who surprise surprise are also big knob Union leaders.

The ALP might have started as the party of the workers, but its a whole lot more than that now, it's the party of the people, and its time that archaic and unrepresentative shackles of Union control were taken off.

The only way to do this folks is to join up and get involved. The greater the groundswell the harder it will be to resist, even the outrageous Union block voting rules won't stand a concerted assault. After all, the Unions are even weaker than the ALP.

Melbourne's The Age, newspaper, known quaintly as "the Stumbler" around certain putrid waterholes, has it seems, been picking up a head of steam of late.

Here's the potted summary:

• The Age - readership UP
  
• The Herald Sun - readership Down
  

Sunday Age editor Alan Oakley puts this down to the quality, all-round package of news, analysis and entertainment, rather that the diet of trivia, giveaways and tedious sensationalism offered by the Herald Sun.

We here at the City stand ready to do our patriotic duty to assist the Herald Sun in this vital battle against the latte left, and we offer our advice free of charge to the embattled Herald Sun editors.

Tits and Terror my friends, Tits and Terror that's what we need more of in this here Melbourne town. It's what the public are crying out for, and its what we know that the good community minded helmsmen at the Herald Sun can deliver once they put their minds to it.

Melbourne is Terror City, and the good burghers of the Southern capital are quaking and quivering under the Terror Broadside unleashed upon an unsuspecting Melbourne by the Herald Sun. Australia’s Favourite Newspaper

Here’s the sequence.

On Wednesday a suspcious gas leak at the Virgin Blue Terminal caused panic. Paramedics, firefighters and hazardous materials crews in full protective clothing rushed to the airport .. after staff in a domestic terminal began suffering nausea and vomiting, dizziness, headaches and respiratory problems. The airport was evacuated

On Thursday, Police feared the worst, when a bomb alert was raised at Knox City shopping centre. There was pandemonium as thousands of panicking shoppers, many with young children, raced to the nearest exits. Children cried and people screamed as evacuation sirens
blared.
Thankfully the bomb turned out to be a hoax, but a very elaborate one. It had all the things you would expect in such a device except explosives. It was very elaborate, it was very complicated and it was constructed in a way that we believed it could have been an explosive device". The paper importantly pointed out that anyone could find out how to construct such a device simply by accessing the Internet, thus reminding us that everyone was suspect.

Also on Friday, we are reminded that Melbourne is Terror target Number One as the Commonwealth Games come to town. We will be treated to an unprecedented security blitz involving thousands of Victorian and federal police, armed forces, anti-terrorist specialists and private guards.
The suburb of Parkville will be a security exclusion zone, There will be two tiers of security checks. Roads will be blocked at four strategic points well away from the village perimeter fence with residents issued with IDs and only VIP allowed near the athletes. (Well who’d have the nerve to go anywhere near Parkville with all this Terror happening anyway).

Super Slueth Andrew Bolt is onto the case of course. He blames mass hysteria. I wonder where that could have come from?

There’s change afoot in the arcane word of the Media. Firstly, with the announcement yesterday by Communications Minister Helen “The Cooze” Coonan of the appointment of Janet Albrectson to the board of the ABC.

Out first thought, when hearing of this, was to wonder why we haven’t seen John Elliot appointed to run the ACCC. He is after all, vastly experienced in both business and corporate law.

Listening to Coonan’s explanation didn’t make it any clearer either. Albrectson's both a writer and a lawyer which makes her qualified, but so are David Marr and Margo Kingston - It surely must have been a close contest.

We also considered her alleged qualification as “Skanky Ho” as a possibility. That she was being sent to put it about a bit, as a reward to the Gentlemen and Ladies (Janet is reputedly quite openminded) of the board for the excellent and efficient performance of the Corporation this year, it still didn't add up however.

Finally we thought about the bigger media picture. We thought about the recent behaviour of Channel Nine. Treating well known cricket fan PM Howard so abysmally last year, treating West Wing viewers poorly with unannounced schedule changes, and arrogantly claiming to be still the one and Australia’s premier network, and the one Australian turn to first. All this while their ratings are sagging. Its clear that they've lost the plot (and quite possibly their nerve), and they cap it off by treating Australia's most trustworthy man Ray Martin so shabbily.

We suspect, that the Albrectson appointment is the government’s way of sticking it to Channel Nine, by making the ABC meaner, less constrained and refined, more flexible with the truth, and more capable of winning back the ABC’s rightful place as Australia’s most turned to network, to build up it's stocks, its credibility - before they float it.

We are big on compassion here at the City. And so too should be Senator Amanda Vanstone.
The startling case of alleged 104 year old Chinese woman, Cui Yu Hu (pronouced Choo Yoo Hoo) who as lived in Melbourne for 10 years, has put the Immigation Department and Senator Vanstone in a pickle.

By rights you see, Mrs Hu (or Cui, Cui Yu or Yu Hu, it's often hard to tell) should already be on a slow boat back to the mainland, and if not that, then enjoying some well deserved rest at Baxter, which itself has got excess capacity and thus not operating at optimum efficiency.

We all appreciate that the Government must keep economic efficiency at the forefront of their thinking, and such wastage is quite unsettling, but there is also a case for compassion.

We refer of course to the many meat-processing facilities located throughout regional Australia who are crying out for slaughterpersons, to top up their dwindling labour force since the supply of Muslims dried up. An unforeseen side effect of the goverment's Pacific Solution.

Show some compassion Senator Vanstone, give the poor old girl a Regonal Employment Visa, and let her get a job packing meat. It'll be good for her self-respect and will avert any accusations of bludging on the government coin.

Chinless Charlie Windsor, heir to the throne of Australia, is being stood up by cranky old mum Queen Liz, who won't attend his forthcoming nuptuals 'cause she's apparently busy that day.

Dissapointed and and down in the dumps, he is, according to royal watchers, and we here at the City think as future subjects, we should chip in to help the old duffer, by sending along our own Queen to give him bit of a talking to. Chin up Charlie, the Aussies are here to help!

What's the real reason behind PM Johnny Howard's decision to send more of the lads off to Iraq and in the process break a promise to the Australian people? It's not as you might expect a ploy designed to piss-off the latte left, and thumb his nose at propriety because he can. No, its because of a grovelling plea from Jap PM PM Junichiro Koizumi .

The Jap army it turns out, can't cut the mustard in Iraq, and are, to put it bluntly, shit scared. Mr Howard is sending our strapping lads over there to help out the shivering samurai, and in return will be demanding a much better deal on Toyota Landcruisers for the Australian people.

This cheap profiteering Prime Minster, and exploitation of the rilly-rivered rand of the lising sun, is against everything that this publication represents. No Prime Minster, you've failed to step over the mark this time! You bloody well should have screwed them for more you dumb twit. You should have doubled the price of coal, you should have, got them to bail out the patriots over at WMC trying to fend of the evil Swiss from taking our Uranium, and you should have got then to tip in a couple of Billion to fix up our Health System.

Jeez, what sort of useless Prime Minster are you?

Former Melbourne footballer and late-night advert identity Robert Dipierdimenico, experiened the horror of terror reports Melbourne's most popular newspaper, The Herald Sun .

Driving at night in the United States, an official target of terroist mastermind Osama Bin Laden, Dipper's heavy and powerful SUV was, thrown into the air by an unidentified force.

Dipper who previously has experienced the horror of grounded flights and lost baggage is looking forward to recovering his jangled nerves in the sumptuous surroundings of ski-town Aspen, and then lolling lazily in Las-Vegas before he and his family risk the potential of terror on their return to Melbourne.

So what's new? Tim Dunlop creates an excellent collage of Prime Ministerial inconistency, and he's right, but it all seems sort of, I dunno, useless?

Howard has changed his mind. Broken a promise, and the people that are all het up are the same people that got all het up last time he broke his promise or lied, and are the same people before that. The punditocracy is going to waste a few thousand more column inches, and Howard is going to shrug it off.

Why? Because we don't give a toss.

Cor! Rockin' Rod Stewart is in town reports the Herald Sun and he's bought leggy blonde bombshell Penny Lancaster with her amazing pins and fabulous fun-bags with him to raise the temperature of Melbourne Town. The Herald Sun, Melbourne's most popular newspaper, was treated to an eyeful of glorius gazungas, tasty-tushy and lugubrious labia as they bought you this valuable community service announcement.

He may look innocent enough in his purple cassock and benevolent smile, but underneath those flowing robes beats the cold dead heart of a terrorist sympathiser (perhaps).

Andrew "Lynch-mob" Bolt, has set the scene with his razor sharp observation on the ABC's Insiders.

Here's "Lynch-mob" talking to the Lawyer of recently released Gitmo-git, Mamdouh Habib.

ANDREW BOLT: Mr Hopper, Andrew Bolt from the Herald Sun. Before I get to my question can I just ask you, just in passing, I saw a newspaper reference that you'd been - you're a convert to Islam, is that true?

STEPHEN HOPPER: Oh look people are trying to turn a lot of things around on to me privately. My private life is really no-one's business.

ANDREW BOLT: I ask only because you seem to be, you represent quite a number of Islamist extremists, it seems to me. And it also seems to me that you take, you seem to take their case very personally and make quite wild accusations against the government. I’m just wondering what the personal agenda behind this is, are you a convert to Islam or not?

Suddenly in just a few words Bolt has opened up the possibility, denied to us until now, of cleaning out all the terrorist sympathisers in our midst.

That brings us to Archbishop Pell. This man, this Papist, has had over the years literally thousands upon thousands of clandestine meetings, in secluded alcoves, with other Catholics and even more telling, Irish Catholics. Never before have we been able to raise the Archbishop's links with the terrorist masterminds of the very Irish, and very Catholic, IRA, but now in this new openness that is the modern media, we can begin to speculate on these matters, and know that the trail is being blazed by Mr Bolt.

The questions we have for archbishop Pell.

• Are you or have you ever been a terrorist sympathiser?
• Have you ever been to Ireland?
• What is your relationship with Minister Tony Abbot, What do you discuss when you supposedly give confession?

We need to hear the truth Archbishop. The truth. And we're not above a bit of torture to get it.

Its the Latte Left v's Poll Pot and the Keystone Cops, in the battle for the soul of the ALP, according to the Age.

The ALP members want, it seems, to have control of their party again, and they are supported in their aim by super rich wiz-kid Evan Thornley, and superannuated tag-team former Premier John Cain and former Senator John Button.

But the factional bully boys, led by Bill "Shortly to be Prime Minster" Shorten, are not having a bar of it. "Shortly's" Labor Unity faction has promised to file the 2004 report prepared by the former premier, where the sun don't shine.

The Reason? The Shorten Faction has got control of the ALP machinery, and they're gonna bloody well use it. The latte left can take a running jump according to big man Bill. Biffa Bill you see is close very close to all sorts of big knobs on the right side of politics including his father-in-law Liberal Julian Beal, and word has it, right-wing toxic shocker Andrew Bolt, and he's milking their line that the latte-left, the trendy inner city types, are the reason for the demise of the ALP for all its worth. That's just a rearguard action though 'cause the main game is to consolidate control of the party and install supplicants in every seat.

That's right. It's shitfight time folks with a battle for the seat of Corio just the first in an extended power struggle between incumbents in stacked seats, and the newly empowered Labour Unity who are busily trying to outstack them.

It's like a battle between the Brown Shirts and the Gestapo, while the enlightened Weimar republicans sit on the sidelines and complain bitterly about wasted opportunity, but have no power to control events.

Let's hope Thornley can pull some cat out of the bag, and lob a few grenades in to unseat these suckers before the ALP turns into the Eddie Maguire for President party.

The right is always talking about the Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy, a theory that Jewish people are running the world. They claim that this absurd notion is one truly believed by the left, and bang on about it whenever there's some documentary on the ABC about Isreal.

But this is a ruse. It is a smokescreen. It is an aspersion cast upon the left, that is typical of the cynical manipulation and the appalling heartlessness of the Australian power elite.

Well finally we've been able to piece together the intelligence, and we've come up with the answer. There is a conspiracy, and its promoted by high-society against the Jews.

Take the most recent example. High profile Sydney businessman, Rodney Adler (Jewish) is forced to plead guilty to alleged crimes regarding his former business HIH. Using techniques perfected in the War on Terror, the Adlers have been tortued into their confession by the means of a painful and humiliating exclusion from Sydney hi-soc. Adler's wife has not been able to attend a charity function in years, and has has to turn to the Kabbala, a mystical Jewish practice akin to Scrabble, to keep from going mad.

There's also the case of One Tel founder Jodee Rich (Jewish), who was threatened with castration by Sydney Hi-Soc big man Kerry Packer in 2002 and he's been in the hi-soc doghouse ever since.

In the sourthern capital, colourful Multi-Millionaire Miner, and Orthodox Red Sea Pedestrian "Diamond Joe Gutnick" Was forced out of the presidency of the Melbourne Football Club. The bastion of Melbourne Hi-Soc, because the well-groomed prower brokers, couldn't accept the man in the blue and red yarmulka and scruffy beard.

This sort of persecution in not new. Back in the '80s Rodey's Adler's old man Larry (also Jewish), was being given a hard time by the savage Hi-Soc power structures, who only let their victim go after he carked it from a heart attack. Then there's George Herscu (Jewish) who fled to Poland to live in hiding to escape arbitrary detention, and the tragic case of developer Floyd Podgornik who despite trying to ingratiate himself with Melbourne Hi-Soc by creating one of the city's best resturants was persecuted in the downturn to the extent that he was forced to top himself to keep his name clean.

It's a horrible tale of cynical exclusion , by the right wing supporting power elite, who control this country's wealth and power, and it is made all the more obscene by trying to suggest that this conspiracy actually resides in the left of politics, that's right, the group that is out of power.

Neither we, nor, as realisation hits, the public at large, are blinded any longer to what is really going on. Who after all has the power to bring down and humiliate such wealthy, high-profile, Jewish people? The answer is obvious, only the richer, wealthier, right wing power elite that control our business and media.

Hollywood megastar Russell "Rusty" Crowe, has pulled the plug on filming of Eucalyptus because he couldn't stand the pansy-arsed approach of director (and latte lefty) Jocylyn Moorhouse. Moorehouse who wanted a "small, gentle 'director's film'", (code for soft mushy box-office failure), just couldn't comprehend that big Russ wanted to bring some ballsy, testosterone fuelled action to the quiet understated period piece set in the Australian bush.

The story, of an over protective father, who'll only allow his daughter to marry the man who can name every type of Eucalyptus tree on his property, could certainly do with Rusty style fireworks. A reprise of Rusty's skinhead character Hando as the violent and aggressive arborist, with a visceral hatred of introduced plant species is just what the doctor, and a big budget Hollyood production ordered.

Let's not be kidding ourselves here, we're playing with the big boys now here in Oz, its time to ditch those cheese eating surrender monkey style of movie, and get with the big dollar, Hummer style strength that is Hollywood, and most certainly is big Russ.

And what of Nicole Kidman you may ask? Well very good question indeed, after her recent churlish attempts to restrict humble papparazzi from earning a decent living, we're starting to ask the question: Is 'our Nic' ours any longer, or has she gone over to the dark side?

Prime Minister John Howard it seems has cottoned onto something that those of us with our ear to the ground have known for some time. Australians don't give a toss!

The PM has been able to use this open secret to his political advantage for some time. Relying on the disengagement of the voter, to get him out of scrapes that years ago would have left any politician red-faced and embarrassed.

The opposition, slow to pick up on this trend, has made a poor showing, with only ex leader Mark Latham being able to convincingly demonstrate that he couldn't care less.

The Liberal Party on the other hand has taken the bit between the teeth and has commissioned a poll to actively uncover what Australians couldn't care less about, so that they can focus their energy in those areas. The Survey, leaked to this publication, asks:

"Which of these things couldn't you give a fig about?"

- Abos?
- The ABC?
- Coral Bleaching?
- A few hundred million here or there?
- The dissapearence of swarthy types?
- A few dodgy telephone connections in the Bush?
- Alexander Downers's Fishnet Fetish?
- Leaky Boats?
- The weather in 20 years, provided it OK for the barbie this weekend?

Breaking News
In news just out today God has been in touch with the President and advised him that global warming is of some concern.

God is yet to clarify his position on this, and will do so in a few months, but the news for treehuggers is good. God is on your side.

Evil members of the unreality based community point to recent studies to justify their preference to be "in-denial".

Celebrity war blogger and The Bulletin magazine , circulation squib, Tim Blair claims this is evidence of Global Cooling. "Read it, read it all", says Blair " it says that the Ocean is getting cooler 0.5 to 0.6 degrees. Cooler I say Cooler. Now you tell me how cooler equals warmer".

Climatologists when questioned about Blair's seemingly logical conclusion were dismissive, and were heard to mumble "...first against the wall when the revolution comes"

"I hope he was circumcised" said Attorney General Phillip Ruddock today when he learnt that his babelicious daughter Caitlin has been engaged in "close contact" with an Isreali Spy.

Ruddock known for being fastidious about cleanliness, and aware of concerns about uncircumsized men has often advised his daughter to examine the prepuce of any bonking beau before bedtime.

When it was pointed out that the spy in question was in all probability a Jew, and was therefore quite likely to be pre-peeled, Ruddock was heard to mutter, "Yes, but don't forget he's a spy, maybe he's in disguise".

Now what sort of dilapidated , rusty, sagging , misaligned, rotting, leaking, old barrow is that cantankerous harpy Prof Bunyip pushing now?

It seems that The Age has offended the old git, by publishing a series of articles about global warming which suggest that that problem is somewhat serious.

The Professor, like the silly old woman that he is, sneers at the legitimate attempt to discuss an important matter. Instead of backing up his argument with facts, he launches a personal attack (the fithy rotter) on Melissa Fyfe, drawing some surrealist interpretation of her motives from her biography.

No it seems that journalists are not allowed to have an opinion , not allowed to have an emotional response to matters that might affect the future of the human race, not allowed to be human, not allowed to put together a well researched series of articles that they have a committment to and believe in, not allowed to draw conclusions (that differ from the Profs).

No it seems that journalists are only allowed to be Fair and Balanced^TM

We're not reading as much hard news it seems. Well at least not in hardcopy form. Crikey reports that Newspaper circulation figures have slumped across Australia, with the only exceptions to the trend being a small increase in the Herald Sun, and an offer driven rise in the Australian. For the rest it seems its all downhill.

This extends even to the Business magazies. The Bulletin for example is tanking, with an 11.1% loss in circulation, a drop which coincides with the appointment of bile jockey Tim Blair to assistant News Editor.

Crikey does not speculate as to the reasons for the decline. I'm sure the internet, and 24 hour cable news has got something to do with it, maybe the broadsheets are struggling because their demographic is more likely to be using the Internet, and using it as their news source. I think however, there's something different going on. People are just getting overwhelmed with news and information, and they're switching off.

The always superb Shaun Carney, in a recent article in The Age writes about a new phenomenon uncovered by John Howard. Howard apparently has discovered that some things are just too complicated for voters to care about. Thus, suggests Carney, the government can dodge criticisms that once would have required sackings, because the layers of bureaucracy, obscure the connections between the transgression and the government to such an extent that its all just too hard to follow.

In the past it would have been the shame that forced resignations, but shame is something that doesn't seem to matter too much anymore. There's very little falling on swords these days, instead the approach is to brazen it out and fight it all the way to the High court.

This IMHO goes someway to explaining the phenomenon of the circulation loss. People are just getting tired of reading stories about complex matters, when they know that investing the time in trying to understand the matter will yield nothing. If it's a corporate scandal, they know the high priced lawyers and spin doctors will be hitting back hard, if its the government they know that it'll swamp the story with complexity, if its about business or investment they know that by the time they read it in the newspaper or magazine its old news and not worth anything.

I'm sorry to say I foresee the only way forward for these newspapers will to become more and more partisan. Follow the lead of the apalling Fox, and take strong sides in the partisan political debates, readers don't want to invest the time in deciding for themselves. They need the decisions already made for them.