Monday, August 08, 2005


Jimi Jams and Jives in John

Last Saturday, Australia’s favourite newspaper, The Herald Sun gave Melbournians the inside goss on why Jimi Hendrix, 60s guitar player extraordinaire got booted out of the US Army. He was “one of the poorest soldiers in the platoon” they said. He “slept on the job, paid little attention to military rules, thought too much about the guitar that would make him famous” they pointed out. An important lesson for all of us who aspire to the US military, and probably the Australian military too for that matter.

They also alluded to a disturbing incident where Mr. Hendrix was caught in “a sex act in a toilet”. Melbournians were deeply shocked by this, and so The City decided to get to the bottom of this matter. After referring to Friday’s copy of The Age, where we presume the Herald Sun got the idea for their article, The City can reveal what Mr. Hendrix was up to in the latrines on that sultry evening.

Jimi it turns out was bashing-the-bishop, choking-the-chicken, fidgeting-the-midget. He was doing his patriotic duty by giving-the-general-a-five-finger-salute.

Now we don’t know why the Herald Sun didn’t make it clear that Jimi was flaying-the-emperor, getting-gnarly-with-the-knudster, plunking-the-twanger, grappling-the-gorilla, doing the Roman-helmet-rumba or tooting-the-flute, but we can only think of two reasons.

One : that bludgeoning-the-beefsteak, conking-the-cardinal, pounding-the-flounder, popping-the-purple-pimple, slaying-the-one-eyed-monster, strangling-the-serpent or doing-the-five-knuckle-shuffle on the old piddle pump is not something that the Herald Sun wants its readership to know about; or Two : that the Herald Sun sub editors are not familiar with the accepted canon of euphemisms for diddling-the-dinky, jerking-the-gherkin, rubbing-the-magic-one-eyed-wonder-weasel, playing-the-hairy-banjo, holding-the-sausage-hostage, buffing-the-banana or tonking the todger.

We reckon the Herald Sun readers can cope, and are not as naive as the Herald Sun would like to think, and so either way we think the Herald Sun sub-editors need to get out more.

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