Rex in the City

Coming to a blog near you.

2005-11-03T14:31:00.000+10:30

Rex will be making the occaisional appearance at regional shopping malls, street stands around the city and here.

and its goodbye from him.

2005-08-10T17:17:00.000+09:30

So. It’s come to this then. The City is being retired. It had to really. It had done its job, and now its time to take it off line, strip it of all the salvageable parts and put it out of its misery.

I tell you. It was fun while it lasted. The City started by accident, but its going to finish on purpose. It became something to while away a bit of time, as I was forced to disengage from normal activity for a while. Things (I pray) are back on track now, and there is simply less time available to let my imagination run wild.

I had a few laughs along the way and I got to poke fund at conservative dogma, and especially the simplistic language that they employ.

I learned a few things out of this. I learned that The Herald Sun really is a manipulative piece of shite. I learned that the Australian is not all that bad, and I leaned that The Age is nowhere near as biased as the cookie cutter conservatives are trying to make out. Most of all I learned that the ABC really is the best cultural institution in this country, and heaven help any pricks that go after my ABC, ‘cause there’ll be hell to pay.

I also learned that it is piss easy to write tabloid newspaper copy. That stuff is so easy to churn out, and manipulate any way you like. If you’re looking for totally slack work, I can’t think of an easier job.

I learned also that the second slackest job is to be a conservative columnist. All you have to do is learn the language of conservatives, and start bashing away at an invented array of symbols that supposedly denote ‘the left’, whatever that is, and you’ve got yourself a job. I mean symbols like Che Guevara T-Shirts, or the Bill of Rights, or a term like ‘Academics’, or ‘the elite’ or ‘the greenies’ or ‘do-gooders’ or ‘Fairfax’ or ‘The ABC’. The trick (mostly) with being a conservative columnist is to pick a symbol that is a bit vague and ill-defined, and where there’s no one person or thing who really represents it, and then ridicule it while making yourself look good. Its fiction really.

Anyway. I’ve said my piece. I thank you for dropping by. I’ve enjoyed your company. You’ve been a great audience. You may see me around. You may not.

Mediawatch resumes its rightful place amongst the Gods

2005-08-09T09:41:00.000+09:30

Deathly silence this morning from Typo Tim, and Andrew Landeryou and no doubt all the rest of the cookie cutter conservatives giving gratuitous advice to the ABC and more particularly Media Watch about their interpretation of bias.

Media Watch you see has, get this, apologised on air because they made an error. An error gleefully pointed out by these two gentlemen, neither of whom have been known to apologise whenever they have made an error.

Additionally Media Watch have taken the cudgels to one of their own. Something that Typo Tim in his usual sneering way had challenged the Media Watch team to do, and which Mr. Blair himself has never demonstrated any willingness to undertake.

The Conservative line is starting to look faded and worn, and totally unconvincing now that it persists in living in denial of the many mistakes and errors it has committed.

Jimi Jams and Jives in John

2005-08-08T10:44:00.000+09:30

Last Saturday, Australia’s favourite newspaper, The Herald Sun gave Melbournians the inside goss on why Jimi Hendrix, 60s guitar player extraordinaire got booted out of the US Army. He was “one of the poorest soldiers in the platoon” they said. He “slept on the job, paid little attention to military rules, thought too much about the guitar that would make him famous” they pointed out. An important lesson for all of us who aspire to the US military, and probably the Australian military too for that matter.

They also alluded to a disturbing incident where Mr. Hendrix was caught in “a sex act in a toilet”. Melbournians were deeply shocked by this, and so The City decided to get to the bottom of this matter. After referring to Friday’s copy of The Age, where we presume the Herald Sun got the idea for their article, The City can reveal what Mr. Hendrix was up to in the latrines on that sultry evening.

Jimi it turns out was bashing-the-bishop, choking-the-chicken, fidgeting-the-midget. He was doing his patriotic duty by giving-the-general-a-five-finger-salute.

Now we don’t know why the Herald Sun didn’t make it clear that Jimi was flaying-the-emperor, getting-gnarly-with-the-knudster, plunking-the-twanger, grappling-the-gorilla, doing the Roman-helmet-rumba or tooting-the-flute, but we can only think of two reasons.

One : that bludgeoning-the-beefsteak, conking-the-cardinal, pounding-the-flounder, popping-the-purple-pimple, slaying-the-one-eyed-monster, strangling-the-serpent or doing-the-five-knuckle-shuffle on the old piddle pump is not something that the Herald Sun wants its readership to know about; or Two : that the Herald Sun sub editors are not familiar with the accepted canon of euphemisms for diddling-the-dinky, jerking-the-gherkin, rubbing-the-magic-one-eyed-wonder-weasel, playing-the-hairy-banjo, holding-the-sausage-hostage, buffing-the-banana or tonking the todger.

We reckon the Herald Sun readers can cope, and are not as naive as the Herald Sun would like to think, and so either way we think the Herald Sun sub-editors need to get out more.

On the Couch #1

2005-08-05T16:49:00.000+09:30

Here's an interesting theory as to why brutal British judges are so popular on American reality TV shows.

Iraq: Completing the Mission

2005-08-05T12:04:00.000+09:30

Gee the Iraq war is going well at the moment. That is if you believe US President George Bush, who is determined to complete the mission. That’d be the mission he accomplished way back then on May 1st 2003.

"These terrorists and insurgents will use brutal tactics because they're trying to shake the will of the United States of America," says the President. "They want us to retreat. Make no mistake, we are at war."

Terrorist mastermind Ayman al-Zawahri makes his strategy pretty clear:

"There is no way out for Washington except by immediate withdrawal. Any delay in this decision means more killing and losses. If you don't withdraw today you will inevitably withdraw tomorrow, but only after tens of thousands are killed and injured."

Despite him being an individual with a “dark, dim and backwards” idealogy, I’m inclined to the view that his threat is real, and inevitably thousands more will die in Iraq.

Religious Right Conservative Pat Buchanan is suggesting that the Pentagon is sounding impatient to pull out. His reasons:

The Polls – Americans are turning against the war
The Iraqis themselves can’t or won’t stop the insurgency
The lethality of the insurgeny’s attacks has increased
The Iraqi constitution is looking more and more like Sharia law – Americans wont want to die for that.

He also reminds us that really Iraq is a civil war waiting to happen. The Shia, backed by the Mad Mullahs of Iran verses the nutcase Sunni insurgency.

That’s where this is going, and the sooner we all realise that Iraq is a lost cause, and we start making plans to cut ourselves loose from that godforsaken hole, and figure out how to deal with the fallout, and the terrorism and the refugees and the guilt that will come once we abandon these people to their fate, the better for us all.

And the good news? Well according to Mr. Chrenkoff, The International Republican Institute conducted a survey of Iraqis and a majority think things are heading in the right direction. Now I don't know about you but to me that is not really all that comforting, In fact it's rather ominous.

Does this mark the beginning of the end of the NeoCons? Does this mark the beginning of the end of Conservative domination of US politics? We could always ask Paul Wolowitz, but as Pat Buchanan points out. No-one's hearing from him any more.

A reflective moment.

2005-08-04T10:15:00.000+09:30

Sometimes some stories cut through the armour and cut deep. Maybe it's the way they're told I don't know.

Helping Hands Harm the Hopeless

2005-08-04T09:45:00.000+09:30

Its nothing but good news today, as Greg Sheridan gleefully points out in Rupert's Organ Of Freedom that that helping the poor doesn’t actually help them at all.

All that talk of giving aid to poor countries, that left-wing guilt machine, that forces you to put your hand in your pocket to donate when somebody knocks on your door and tells you about the heartbreak in Togo, is now bankrupt ideology.

The Headline sums it up: Aid is not the answer to poverty

Read the first paragraph of the article

WE'RE rich because they're poor. No proposition is more central to the left-wing view of the world than the idea that the rich West survives in its comfort because it exploits the poor in the Third World.

and savour the text all the way down to the fifth paragraph

The president of the Asia Development Bank, Haruhiko Kuroda, who is visiting Australia, told me yesterday that a large aid inflow can cause currency appreciation which renders a developing economy uncompetitive and therefore retards economic growth. And the only way poverty ever declines is through economic growth.

Now you’ll need to skip pretty much the rest of the article and go on down to the last paragraph:

Overcoming poverty is up to poor countries themselves, an idea unwelcome to ideologues, theorists and most academics (except that tiny number still left in country studies) everywhere.

And there you have it. Proof, if you ever needed it that the Left’s outdated ideologies, and the freedom hating machinery of the compassion industry, are actually making poor countries poorer.

So next time you’re asked to donate to some apparently worthy cause, remind them that they’re not helping, they’re hurting, and try to talk them out of this folly before they can do any more harm. And after you’ve slammed the door in their face, spare a thought for those poor people in Togo, who can now climb that ladder of prosperity without the condescending stickybeaking of the latte left interrupting their experience of competition and freedom.

As they say, it’s the thought that counts, and the people of Togo will be grateful that you’ve even thought about them at all.

Australia - Officially Shit Hot.

2005-08-02T12:17:00.000+09:30

Have you patted yourself in the back recently? Have you splurged on a celebratory glass of champagne? If not then you should, because you are bloody fantastic, and so am I.

We’re all fantastic, because we’re all Aussies. Today The Herald Sun, Australia’s most fantastic newspaper tells you what you’ve known in your heart for a long time, but were just to damn self-deprecating to say out loud. We Aussies are the absolute top of the heap, best thing since sliced bread, and everybody’s talking about it except us.

A survey conducted by marketing and brand consultancy firm Anholt-GMI places Australia at NUMBER ONE in the nations brand index. We are absolutely loved by everybody, and why not indeed?

Canada comes in at 2nd, but in a contest like this you’re either first or you’re nowhere, and we are first, and its all thanks to you (and me), because where would Australia be on this list if it wasn’t for the Aussies hey?

Cop this will ya? Direct from the report:

The strength of Australia’s brand derives from an almost universal admiration of its people, landscapes and living and working environment.

"Almost universal admiration". You simply can’t get better than that, and it’s a credit to you that you’ve handled yourself with such good grace. There’d be plenty of others that’d let it go to their heads, but not you (or me).

So next time you see an American blabbing on about God’s own country, about how they’re so damn fan-bloody-tastic, just smile knowingly to yourself, in that much loved laconic Aussie way, and turn to them and quietly whisper. “Eleventh hey?, Fucken loser!”. They'll thank you for it.

Rex's Home Handyman Hints.

2005-08-01T09:31:00.000+09:30

Like all Melbournians at this time of year I would be gripped by a gnawing fear. These can be dreadful, bleak, depressing times, and I once would lie awake at night, staring at the ceiling, knowing that in these wintry depths of Winter, the menace would be taking over………..my bathroom.

Winter is when it happens. It’s the dampness. The lack of air. It probably has something to do with football too for all I know. It grows on the ceiling. It snakes it way along the grout between the tiles. It colonises the plughole in the shower. It’s called Aspergillus, but you may know it as mould.

In the old days, I used to conduct chemical warfare. Commercial mould killers, chlorine bleach, Agent Orange, whatever I could get my hands on. Then I wised up to the dangerous effects of these substances, and converted to simple and cheap white vinegar, available from the supermarket in 2 litre containers.

That worked wonders, the vinegar. If things were a little tough, a dash of bi-carb soda and the toughest fungi would be cactus.

Still however, I knew that things could be improved. As you know I’m a perfectionist, and despite the success of the simple vinegar solution, and the satisfaction it gave me to flip the bird to Dow Chemical, Unilever, Colgate-Palmolive & Co, I still needed to get down on my hands and knees and apply the elbow grease.

There’s got to be a better way I thought, and as usual I was right. Today I share my bathroom with three friends. Fred, Wilma and Betty I call them. I did have a Barney but he got squashed.

These guests are all members of the Limax Flavux family, and they happily live down in the shower’s plug hole, and come out at night when there’s work to be done. They are Slugs, and they eat mould like sheep eat grass. So just as some people keep animals to keep the grass down. I keep slugs.

Today the bathroom is spick and span, and requires very little maintenance, although there is still a little too much work to do for my liking. In fact, I’m looking for something to live around the S-bend. Anyone got any bright ideas?

Melbourne Trashed.

2005-07-28T11:03:00.000+09:30

Melbournians were deeply insulted this morning, when flicking though their copy of Rupert’s Organ of Freedom to find that the much ballyhooed “National Newspaper”, had decided to stick the boot in to their fair city.

Opinion writer and apparent Queensland centric, but New South Wales resident historian Ross Fitzgerald has slammed Melbourne, comparing it to Adelaide, Perth and Brisbane, and implying its not a patch on Sydney. Australia’s international city.

He cites Travel and Leisure magazine as naming Sydney the world’s best city. A New York based magazine my friends, that’s right, how would they know, they don’t even live here.

Mr Fitzgerald goes to great lengths to provide evidence of Sydney’s pre-eminence, but did he consider the hook turn in his assessment? No. Did he consider that we have Andrew Bolt and they don’t?, No. Did he consider that future Prime Minister Bill Shorten comes from Melbourne? No. Did he consider that our forthcoming Commonwealth Games are going to be the most expensive ever? No. Did he consider that only Melbourne has fantastic gangland murder stories to tell? No.

It’s a weasley blinkered effort by Mr Fitzgerald, and his strong affinity with Queensland while writing this glowing report on Sydney stinks to high heaven. There’s a conspiracy here that clearly stretches all the way to New York, and the jealous and cynical assaults on Melbourne don’t stop there. The Footy finals might even go interstate, not that I’ll be watching mind you, but its important to know that they’re there, the crowd roaring in the distance while you attend to your home brewing.

There’s a conspiracy afoot, and Mr. Bracks needs to get to the bottom of it, otherwise I’ll be forced to vote for Mr. Costello. A Melbourne boy who’s sure to set things right.

Government suckered in by greenies : Bolt

2005-07-27T16:40:00.000+09:30

In a shock admission today extreme right wing columnist Andrew Bolt suspects that the government has caved-in to greenie scare mongering.

This incredible development comes about because of a probing question put by The City to Mr Bolt on his personal feedback forum.

The City wanted to establish Mr. Bolt’s view on the recent announcement by the Government that "Climate Change is Inevitable" and that, "There is little doubt Australia will face some degree of climate change over the next 30 to 50 years”

Mr. Bolt you see wrote this on the 18th February:

Want to make a greenie boil? Just question their claims of global warming. It's not hard when so much of the evidence is paper thin.

and this on 25th March

Would you like to see how shaky is the science behind this global warming mania?

Looks like the evidence was thick enough and solid enough for the Government to believe it, but Professor Bolt needs more convincing, he suspects that the Government has fallen for global warming scaremongering.

He does create a little wriggle room for himself though. He says we have to be clear about how he defines the scare “It's the man-made global warming scare”.

So maybe he’s starting to accept that there is global warming. He just refuses to accept that it has anything to do with us.

Healthy Eating

2005-07-27T13:36:00.000+09:30

It's time for me to start eating healthily.

So next time I'm at Macca's I'll be getting the Filet 'o'Fish.

Shock: Herald Sun in Privacy Scandal

2005-07-26T14:26:00.000+09:30

Melbournians were shocked to learn today that their favourite newspaper The Herald Sun, the very same newspaper that stands up and fights on behalf of all Melbournians for the sake of protection of privacy, are themselves being sued for breach of privacy.

The Herald Sun it turns out has published photographs of Mrs Maria Korp, taken when she was lying in hospital in a persistent vegetative state, without obtaining her permission or the permission of her daughter.

We are gobsmacked to learn of the Herald Sun’s hypocrisy. Surely it must be an administrative error.

Mr Jim Robinson, the lawyer for Ms Korp and her daugher Ms De Gois has expressed concern about the distress felt by Ms De Gois regarding the possibility of her mothers feeding tube being removed, and that:

He asked for the media to keep its distance from Ms De Gois

What distance though? 1 metre, 5 metres. Provided the Herald Sun stays at about medium telephoto lens range, that ought to be respectful enough, don't you think?

Vile Voyeur's Variously Victimise Villagers

2005-07-25T14:57:00.000+09:30

Melbournian’s went about their daily business today with a horrible spine tingling sensation that they were being watched. And no wonder, because as Australia most popular newspaper points out, You are being watched.

It’s a voyeur’s paradise in Melbourne town, and according to The Herald Sun, you are being photographed more than 100 times per day, and that’s only if you’re average looking. What about if you’re a pretty young thing? Just imagine how much more scrutiny your going to get from lecherous security personnel who spend their entire days sizing up people, comparing them, and looking hour after hour for something suspicious. If you think their minds are not turning to sex then you don’t know Melbournians.

The Herald Sun knows Melbournians though, and more particularly The Herald Sun knows our Police and Security personnel and the lewd thoughts that go around in their heads.
Secret use by police, more worryingly by private security companies, for storing images on databases or for undisclosed purposes is a concern.

A concern is putting it mildly my friends. It’s disgusting! The Herald Sun rightly identifies that there needs to be some control. You can’t just have indiscriminate photographing of gorgeous young women without some control.

Evidence suggests there is insufficient watching of the watchers to ensure privacy isn't breached.

We agree with The Herald Sun on the importance of privacy, and naturally we can be confident that when The Herald Sun hired a helicopter, and photographed the private wedding ceremony of Lleyton Hewitt and Bec Cartwright with telephoto lenses , they’d cleared this action first with the privacy ombudsman. Or at a pinch, at least the first available sub-editor.

Hewitt treats fans like dirt.

2005-07-22T12:09:00.000+09:30

Australia’s most popular newspaper, The Herald Sun, today reports that tennis ace Lleyton Hewitt, and up-the-duff fiancée Bec Cartright, have treated their fans like scum for not inviting them to their wedding.

“Lleyton and Bec snub their fans” says the Herald Sun, “Security guards kept hundreds of fans at bay” says the Herald Sun again.

The Herald Sun, who was only able to obtain grainy images of the secure wedding, by hiring a helicopter and flying overhead, was outraged on behalf of Mr. Hewitt’s fans.

The Herald Sun, reports also that Ms Cartright looked “stunning in a white flowing gown”, and the bridesmaids “wore off-the-shoulder sunset rose, yellow and white floor-length dresses”. So that’s nice.

And that just shows the difference in attitude. Despite Mr. Hewitt’s disdainful, and unforgivable treatment of his fans, the Herald Sun proves that it truly is able to rise above the pettiness shown by Mr. Hewitt and his entourage, and a $1.5 Million dollar helicopter is the key to that generosity of spirit.

Knot so fast!

2005-07-22T10:54:00.000+09:30

As part of The City’s never-ending quest for the spread of freedom and democracy, we are now requiring all our employees to prove their patriotism upon arriving at work each morning.

The City has hired a team of experienced shoelace inspectors to ensure that shoe knots are complying to our newly mandated standard. The Freedom Knot.

The freedom knot

The price of freedom is eternal vigilance.

(via Ian's shoelace site, via Jwalk)

Bracks baulks at boobies

2005-07-22T09:26:00.000+09:30

Melbournians today were again shocked at the Brack’s government hypocrisy as reported in Australian favorite newspaper, The Herald Sun.

Mr. Bracks you’ll recall promised to be motherhood friendly and encourage women MPs and society in general to be supportive of breastfeeding.

But in an unprovoked attack on motherhood, Mr. Bracks has ensured that the sign on the door of the Parliament’s breastfeeding room shows the image of a bottle with teat, and not a pair of titties like you would expect.

What’s wrong with Mr. Bracks? Can’t stand the sight of milk engorged kazungas? Offended by free floating funbags? Crassed out by nourishing norks?

Why not Mr. Brack’s look to the classics for your solution. No one is offended by nudity when its art. A $35 Million dollar investment Mr. Bracks and the problem will be solved. Just nail it up on the door.

Manet solves Brack's dillema

Elephants on their way.

2005-07-21T08:52:00.000+09:30

Melbourne woke up this morning with the heart-warming news that three Asian Elephants will be winging their way to the world’s most liveable city just as soon as Qantas can find a flight with enough empty seats in cattle class.

Environment Minister Ian Campbell put a smile on the dial of Melbourne’s schoolkids with the news that the elephants have been granted permission to leave Communist Thailand and will soon be enjoying the benefits of freedom and democracy, and savouring the delights of multicultural Melbourne.

The parents of those very same schoolkids, can sleep soundly too. For Immigration Minister Amanda Vanstone personally authorised the issuing of the visas to the three female elephants. “I can assure you that these animals have done the right thing. There’s been no queue jumping, they’re very well behaved”, said Mrs Vanstone.

Sporty anxiously awaits her visa

This good news comes in spite of the protestations of some people of THE LEFT, who believe that these animals are not entitled to come to this land and share in our bountiful harvest.

Fortunately in this case freedom and democracy has won out, and we shall soon get to hear the happy trumpeting of Scary, Posh and Sporty, the names by which they will soon be known once the Herald Sun has announced the results of their “name the elephants” competition.

Hanging Judge - Well hung?

2005-07-20T15:00:00.000+09:30

It’ll be interesting to see if the Hanging Judge of City Road, Mr. Andrew Bolt continues to call for the sacking, and removal of Sheik Taj Din al-Hilali, now that the very same Sheik Hilali, has himself called for the introduction of laws that allow the deportation of radical Mullahs.

Whatever will Mr. Bolt say? Will he argue that Sheik Hilali is being disingenuous. That he doesn’t believe what he’s saying now, and that his earlier statements are the true Hilali? Or will he apologise, and say that the Sheik once again seems to be doing the right thing. Firstly the selfless attempts to rescue Douglass Wood, and now these statements that the Australian describes as “some of the strongest public comments yet by a senior Islamic figure in Australia”.

My guess? Mr. Bolt will say nothing! That’s the trick when you’re a mouth on a stick. Simply spit it out then move on. The paper will be discarded in a day, and the article will disappear into the News Ltd archives in a month or two. It’s the same trick used by Tim Blair. Blog on regardless and let the post slide down until it drops off the page. The faster you blog, the less responsible you need to be for what you’ve said in the past.

It’s a beautiful system.

Update: Well I was wrong. Mr. Bolt did mention it. You can find his response located in the Bolt Forum.

Sheik Hilaly is not credible on this issue. He can called for jihad and praised
suicide bombers, jihadists, a terrorist organisation and more. Sure, he is in a
battle with Omran and wants us to side with him against his rival, but that does
not make Hilaly a remotely moderate man, in my view. He should instead be one of those whom he suggests we send packing.

Well there you have it. Be careful what you say in public, because you can never change your mind.

I've been memed.

2005-07-19T08:18:00.000+09:30

Someone sent me this meme. Apparently I get seven years of bad luck or things get worse in Togo if I don’t answer it.

If you’d just won 10 Million dollars, what would you do with it?

I’d convert it all to notes, and put it in a big vault. I’d then fall around in it giggling insanely, while throwing it up in the air.

What’s your favourite distraction for avoiding doing work?

No particular favourite. Almost anything will do.

What are your 3 favourite pieces of music.

None. It makes it more difficult to hear the voices in my head.

What would be your ideal job?

Amway salesperson. I like the idea of introducing all my friends to these wonderful products and making money off them.

If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be?

Nothing. It’s hard to improve on perfect.

If you could get even with someone, who would it be?

The fool who dreamed up this stupid meme idea, thus wasting thousands of hours a day with people writing them, and foisting on readers inane twaddle that purports to say something about the individual. Also the person who gave it the name ‘meme’ thus ruining a perfectly respectable word that used to mean something else entirely.

Spooks

2005-07-17T13:47:00.000+09:30

When I was a gangly adolescent, I refused to allow anyone to take photographs of me. I would bring my arm to my face, or duck under the table whenever photography threatened. I told them that it would ruin my future career as a spy. I think it was one of those gangly adolescent things.

Of course I never did become a spy. I would never get to weave an intricate web of deceit and lies quite like you can when employed on secret missions for the government. Sadly I had to settle for the next best thing, tabloid journalism.

Anyway, this Friday, at 9:25pm on My ABC you can park yourself in front of the telly, and vicariously experience what I would be doing, if I wasn’t parked in front of the telly watching Spooks.

Maintaining the natural order

2005-07-15T11:25:00.000+09:30

Nothing gets up my goat more than smart-arse kids! There was a time when the little blighters were seen and not heard. When their elders would issue a rumbling growl, and the kiddies would scurry off to their bedroom, knowing that if there was any uppittyness then there would be trouble in River City.

Those were also the days when seniority counted. When if you worked in some organisation, or the government, the only way you’d ever get a promotion was when some old fogey who was higher up the hierarchy croaked. It might have been a stultifying arrangement sure, I grant that. But it was nice and predictable. The only thing you needed to concentrate on if you wanted to be a success was to outlive everyone else.

In those days you could derive comfort from the knowledge that there was a progression. A simple linear relationship between age and respect, but no more dear reader. Those days are gone.

In the latest horror story of tweenie arrogance. A ten year old Pakastani girl Arfa Karim Randhawa, has shirt-fronted the worlds richest man, 50 year old Mr. Bill Gates.

The grasping little tot, has apparently received her Microsoft Certification, and has fronted up at Mr. Gates office and demanded that he give her a job.

Moral blackmail is what it is. It takes a strong character, when some doe-eyed child asks if you’ll kick the footy with them, to say “bugger off”, so you can imagine the pressure that Mr. Gates must be under, being forced to confront this diminutive upstart, with the press hovering, microphones at the ready, just waiting for him to slip up.

That’s the good thing about age though, and Mr. Gates clearly kept his cool. Smiled indulgently at the precocious little pumpkin, and said he’d "certainly look into it", and was "most enlightened by the meeting". It’s later on of course that he gets even. A little bit of white-anting here, some sudden budget cuts there, and balance is eventually restored.

It’s a hard climb up that greasy pole, and the purpose of those underneath is to provide you with enough purchase so that you can safely take on that useless old bugger above. This is the way of the world folks. Respect it, and it’ll look after you.

via JWalk

Mr. Packer's got a bone to pick.

2005-07-14T10:47:00.000+09:30

I knew Mr Kerry Packer was a rotten hypocrite. That’s what loads ‘a loot allows you to do. I knew he was a rotten hypocrite way back when I used to watch Channel Nine. It was an infamous episode when Doug Mulray’s show, Australia’s Naughtiest Home Videos was kicked off the air, by Mr. Packer because he couldn’t stand the sight of some other bloke’s bum going up and down. Presumably the bum was firmer, younger and more athletic than the Fat Man’s flabby arse, and so in a fit of moral equivalence he called up and said to “get that shit off the air”.

But Fat Kerry used to publish Australian Penthouse, and maybe still does, and so he wasn’t adverse to a bit of smut when it suited him. As long as it’s Kerry having the fun its alright, but when anyone else is getting their jollies, then The Right Reverend Kerry Packer steps up to the pulpit and starts preaching.

Of course as you know Reverend Packer has booted Shane Warne off the Channel Nine payroll because of his philanderings, but what I didn’t know is that Mr. Packer allegedly has indulged in philanderings himself.

This on top of employing former Hawke Government Minster, Graham Richardson who is alleged to have also availed himself of the services of professional stress relief.

It certainly has the horrible stench of hypocrisy. Either that, or as Mr. Packer nears the end of his usable shelf-life, and realises that he doesn’t have the “grunt” of old, and can’t have any more fun, he has decided that nobody else should have anymore fun either. Stand by for Channel Nine to become prude central.

And they say the terrorists won’t win. They won’t kill off our freedoms. I say fight terrorism - Watch Big Brother - support Channel Ten.

President Rex responds to September 11.

2005-07-13T09:56:00.000+09:30

Tim Blair issues a provocation. "You are the President of the United States on September 11, 2001. How do you respond to the attacks of that day, and to the wider issues of North Korea, Iran, and Iraq?"

Date: September 11 – Time 9:15 am

“Wha? You’re joshin’! A plane’s run into the towers?.” Here Kids”, (tosses book to nearest sixth grader), “I’m off to save civilization”

“Get Me Condi on the line” (grabs phone), “Condi, what’s the deal?”….”Planes have hit the towers”, Uh Huh. Suspected Terrorists”, “ Ok Condi, here’s what you do. Shut down the Air System, get the Air-Force up and at em and do what ever you can to stop this thing in its tracks. Go to it girlfriend”

“Now get me the CIA chief Tenet” (grabs phone) “George, what have you got for me? Terrorists – yeah I know that – what kind?” (listens intently), “ OK Islamic terrorists, Just like you and Richard Clarke said huh?, This Al Qaeda crowd you think huh? Run by this Saudi Billionaire fellow, Bin Laden. Right. What about Iraq and Saddam? Not involved? Right just Bin Laden then."

"OK, George, firstly I want to say this. You blokes were right. President Clinton was also right to make these guys top priority. All I can say is we missed the ball on that one. It’s Mea Culpa, but no use getting hung up on that now. I’ll have to wear that hit. Now listen, here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to stop any rich Saudis leaving the country. I don’t care who they are. I know these people, and I know that they’re all related to this Bin Laden fellow. We’re going to squeeze every drop if information out of them before we let them go. Also George, I need you to tell me where this Bin Laden is. We’re going to take him out……. Oh, and George… One more thing…. arrest Dad!”

“Now get me Secretary of State Powell on the line” (grabs phone) “ Colin, I’m afraid this means travel for you my friend. I know how you don’t like travel, but we’ve got to ride the wave of sympathy. We’ve got to use it. This is gold plated political capital we’ve got coming our way from all four corners of the world. We’re going to take the lead, and we’re going to mobilise world opinion to the cause of rooting out Islamic extremism… Oh, and Colin, get on to Sharon and tell him we’re in charge, and if he puts one finger wrong, if he does anything, anything at all without first running it by me, then all foreign aid and military aid to his country stops right now”

“Now get me Secretary of Defence Rumsfeld on the phone” (grabs phone) “Don…. You’re at the Pentagon and a plane hit it?…. Are you alright?…… You want to attack Saddam? Hang on Don, George tells me Saddam had nothing to do with it…..You still want to take out Saddam?, Don, I think you’re in shock mate, I’ll have to stand you down until your head’s a bit clearer, who’s your deputy? ......... Wolfowitz? No way Jose! I need someone who’s actually fought in a war as Acting Secretary of Defence, not some bloody latte sipping academic. Find someone and get back to me will you? We’re going after terrorists. That’s different from dictators Don. Sometimes they might be the same thing, but we’re not going to make sweeping assumptions here Don. We’re going by the facts”

“Now get me Vice President Cheney on the line” (grabs phone) “ Dick… you’re fired!…. Why?….Nothing personal Dick, but I think you’re a cruel, twisted and evil man, with a cruel twisted and evil looking mouth. The mouth’s a dead giveaway Dick, it says that you’re a fucken psycho, and we need cool heads around here in these times of crisis.

Date: September 11 – Time 9:45am

(President Rex, Looks at his watch. Thirty minutes have passed since first being informed of the terrible events in New York and Washington. The schoolchildren are happily reading among themselves. America might be under attack, but wisdom, foresight and truth will keep these beautiful little kids safe. A tear wells in Rex’s eye as he looks at the children and contemplates briefly those who have perished. It emboldens him and gives him the courage of his convictions. It gives him the impetus to lead from the front, as is the responsibility of the leader of the most advanced and imaginative nation on Earth.)

“Now get me Air Force One on the line” (grabs phone) “Captain Rodgers…. I want you to meet me at the tarmac, and set a course for New York. There’s people there that need saving”

A round and a round and a, up and down and a...

2005-07-09T15:04:00.000+09:30

Only five days after we learned that house prices were on the way down, house prices are now on the way up.

On July 4th The Age reported a warning by investment bank ABN AMRO that “the economy is facing a period where declining household wealth should be a significant and ongoing drag on growth as the massive bubble in house prices slowly deflates", and that “Australians will see their wealth decline for the first time since the last recession”

And now, only five days later, The Herald Sun, Australia’s favourite newspaper, reports that house prices are going to rebound, according to Australian Property Monitors director Louis Christopher. “A housing price recovery might be arriving sooner rather than later”, says Mr. Christopher.

So there you have it. We’ve been through the worst, and survived. The week just gone was horrific, our net wealth plummeted, but recovered in time for the weekend.

It’s a miracle, the invisible hand of the market. Don’t you love it?

London Bombs

2005-07-08T09:41:00.000+09:30

There is little point in adding to the GigaJoules of human brain energy presently being directed toward the London Transport bombings, as to do so would make only a minute and inaudible contribution to the cacophany of opinion and speculation.

Christpher Hitchens though did offer his opinion this morning (transcript not yet published), and quite honestly he didn't sound drunk. From memory he made a few points, which deserve if nothing else, some consideration.

1. He said that this is a civil war between Muslims which the West just happens to be caught up in.

2. He criticised Tony Blair's speech (calling it pathetic I think) because Blair puts the wrong emphasis on the motives of the terrorists. He is of the view that Blair's emphasis, that they are trying "to cower us, to frighten us", is the wrong way to express it because it doesn't recognise that it is really a civil war occuring within Islam.

3. He suggest that the term War on Terror is a nonsense, and implies that the emphasis of the West's leaders needs to change to recognise that it is really this civil war.

I'll have to go and have another look at the transcript when it appears, but it's certainly an interesting argument, and one that may have significance on the whole WoT strategy if accepted at higher levels.

Update: Contrast these thoughtful, provocative and potentially very important ideas, with Tim Blair's contribution to the debate. Mr. Blair feels that true patriots must madly google in times of crisis, snorting amphetimines and knocking back bottles of Jack Daniels, while recieving his moment by moment blogging action through one eye, while the other multitasks between the Fox News and CNN. Its high octane patriotism for Mr. Blair, and when he gets a moment to catch a breather, the first thing he does is lash out at the nearest lefty's typo.

Gee, it's so good to know he's on the case.

Livin it up in London

2005-07-07T16:26:00.000+09:30

We've only now been able to get it together enough, now that the hangover has subsided, to comment on the glorious victory of the City of London over the snide poseurs of Gaye Paree in the contest to host the Olympics.

The celebrations went on all night here in the City, because with so many Australians involved, it was really a victory for Australia.

The British can feel rightly proud that we are decended from them, and we hope they acknowledge their debt to us by continuing to talk about us in very glowing terms. And if not.... Well I wouldn't like to be in their shoes, let's put it that way.

Make Money the Easy Way with Telstra

2005-07-06T13:35:00.000+09:30

Do you remember when credit card companies introduced award schemes to encourage you to whack all your expensive home entertainment gear onto plastic, and build up points for your trip to Bali?

Do you remember also that an unpleasant side effect of this was the awkward silence at the end of a delightful restaurant meal with your friends, when they’d all dutifully doled out the cash for their share of the bill, and you’d calmly gather it up, stash it in your wallet, and casually flick your plastic into the saucer and say, “I think I’ll just put it all on credit, you don’t mind do ya?”

They’d naturally give a dismissive wave of their hand and say, “Nah, go right ahead”, and give a slightly strangled laugh. Of course you just knew that when they climbed into their cars, safely out of earshot, just the couples together with no constraints, you knew exactly what they’d be talking about. You knew that she’d be in his ear. Nagging. “Why did you let Rex pay with his card Phil?”. “What’s wrong with you? You’re just hopeless, you should have grabbed it first”, and poor Phil, who’d always had an inferiority complex anyway would just feel smaller and more pathetic than he already was.

Well my friends. There’s good news aplenty in the pages of Rupert’s Organ of Freedom today. Word has it that Telstra has come up with an absolute cracker of a marketing plan to squeeze more revenue out of the mobile phone market. A market whose growth curve is tragically and horrifically curving, if not exactly southward, then certainly less northward than it has been.

The plan is delightful in its devilish simplicity. Telstra will give you a 5 cent per minute credit on your mobile for all incoming calls.

You’ve got it my friends. That little click you just heard is the sound of the light-bulb going on in your head.

Now you know your mission. Whenever anyone calls you, you’ve got to keep them talking. You’ve got to string that conversation out to those one-minute boundaries. I’m going to be contacting Telstra to see if they can make my mobile give a little cash-register “ka-ching” sound for each minute that I keep my callers on the line. And I’ve already programmed the most important TXT message into my phone. One that I'll be using to get in touch with my friends. Simple and to the point it says: “CALL ME NOW”.

Also, I’ll be making it clear to Phil that instead of just meeting me at the rubbity-dub on a Friday after work like we used to do, he needs to call me first on my mobile. I’m going to keep Phil on the phone, even as we converge on the pub from opposite ends of town, I’m going to keep him on the phone until he can convince me that he’s not bringing his wife.

It’s for his own good after all.

PM less preferred

2005-07-05T09:54:00.000+09:30

Prime Minister John Howard has suffered a drop in preferedness as a result of the Union campaign against IR changes.

Mr. Howard is less preferred than a while back, but is still preferred Prime Minister, because Mr. Beazley is even less preferred than Mr. Howard.

This leaves Mr. Howard in front in the preferred rankings, but with a dangerously reduced preference credit.

“I’d prefer to be more preferred than I am”, said Mr. Howard, “bit there’s still time to improve, and anyway they don’t even prefer Peter at all, so I don’t see the problem”

Madcap McCrann's Money Making Method

2005-07-04T13:05:00.000+09:30

Today the City looks to the Herald Sun’s business columnist Terry McCrann for clues on how to invest your precious life savings.

We figure that Mr. McCrann being on a reputed $300,000 ought to have some clue on what's going on with the economy. So what we've done is to take some important excerpts from Mr. McCrann's article of last week, mixed them up in a random order, and done things like ended sentences in mid-flow, so as to both correctly summarise the information and retain Mr. McCrann's impeccable logic. Importantly also we've retained Mr. McCrann's jokes and even highlighted them so as to preserve the larfs.

If anybody had told me, or I had told you, that 12 months later our economy would have -- officially -- slowed to a walk, and to some, looking cheap.

Plus our current account deficit had yawned even deeper into the red, you would have been asking where exactly we teetered between a crisis and a full-blown disaster.
So as to the market, it's unlikely to be anywhere close to a repeat of 2004-05, which rocketed on the 'Perfect Calm' and the 'Perfect Storm

Two big messages come out of this, looking into the new financial year.

The impossibility of predicting the future -- even the relatively narrow and perhaps more rational world of the economy and investments.

The key problem is not so much, getting the 'big picture' wrong, but much more what might be termed the 'little pictures'. That's the individual bits that matter most to investors and people generally.

If the oil price goes to $US30 or indeed lower, absent somebody inventing the much desired trick of turning water into whine -- as in whining engines -- it will mean we are in or heading into a recession or serious slowdown.

There. I hope that's helped. Any financial success that you achieve from this advice must of course be attributed to Australia's favourite business columnist Madcap Terry McCrann. If you didn't quite follow it then we suggest ingesting some LSD and then reading Mr. McCrann's full piece. Good luck and happy investing.

Greedy Granny faces down Rupert

2005-07-01T10:36:00.000+09:30

75 year old American shareholder activist (and suspected terrorist) Evelyn Y. Davis took on the media’s Mr. Big at American media giant, News Corporation's shareholder’s meeting in Washington.

Mr. Murdoch, an American, was attending a short meeting to announce a special distribution of a whole lotta loot to his top executives, using the well documented shareholder wealth redistribution scheme known as stock options.

Granny Davis said to Mr. Murdoch

On the long-term incentive plan, I'm opposed to it because I don't believe in any stock options

But Mr. Murdoch’s family interests, with over 30 per cent control, marshalled their enormous resources and crushed the lone dissenting voice under an avalanch of tough love.

So once more, the powerful incentive device that is stock options, that rightly confuses the hell out of inexperiened mum and dad investors, and leaves the control in the hand of those who know what their doing is left pristine and free to do further good.

This is despite legendary investor, and traitor Warren Buffet who once roundly condemned stock options thus:

Options are a huge cost for many corporations and a huge benefit to executives. No wonder, then, that they have fought ferociously to avoid making a charge against their earnings. Without blushing, almost all C.E.O.'s have told their shareholders that options are cost-free.

Stock options, my friends are important because they INCENTIVISE company executives. If you don’t know what that word means, and you hear it being uttered by powerful people, then you can be sure that’s a good sign. It’s a sign that they know what they are talking about, and it’s a sign for you to call your stockbroker and go in LONG and go in hard.

Flushing for Freedom

2005-06-30T08:56:00.000+09:30

After only a few centuries of experience with the benefits of personal hygene, Londoners are being told by their Mayor Ken Livingston to revert to their old ways in order to save water in that dry and parched land.

He is advising Londoners not to flush the dunny. Well at least not for number ones.

"Don't flush the loo if you have only had a pee", says Ken.

And what about number twos you may ask. Well for the time being "Red Ken" Livingston is holding off passing an edict to ban dunny flushing altogether.

What other restrictions on personal freedom does THE LEFT have in mind for the traumatized victims of the NAZI BLITZ? Will the horror never end?

Meanwhile egotistical self-aggrandising superstars like Bob Geldoff and Bono, organise monumental gatherings to celebrate their own rampant egos, ostentibly on behalf of Africans, who it is well known have learned to live without water, while their own countryfolk must succumb to the brutal state-control of Red Ken, and his hatred of freedom.

Let's hope the silent majority have the courage to openly defy Red Ken. Let's hope that Londoners will flush for freedom.

The Bum Cheek?

2005-06-29T14:28:00.000+09:30

Some wag has gone and set up a site in direct competition to Andew Landeryou's blog The Other Cheek.

We suspect Mr. Landeryou isn't impressed because we noticed that attempts by the wag to post the URL in comments were quickly deleted by Mr. Landeryou.

The City in no way endorses the wag's actions, but in the interests of the public's right to know we feel that the link should be made available to the public so that they can inform themselves of all points of view.

Miss Clink - Nude

2005-06-29T08:37:00.000+09:30

While we have our Schapelle, Germany has their Melanie. "Miss-Clink" as German tabloid Bild-Zeiting refers to her, has spend the last two years in the slammer in Sao Paulo, Brazil, for drug smuggling.

Bild reports Melanie's complaints about prison life. She's losing her hair because the water is over-chlorinated she complains. There's weevils in the food, and she must stand naked, legs apart over a mirror so that the wardens can check for hidden things.

Melanie claims she is innocent, and that the cocaine found in her possesion was planted on her by a colleague.

Bild also provides hot sexy pictures of Melanie so that its readers may relate to the poor girl.

The Awful Truth

2005-06-29T08:22:00.000+09:30

Mark Bahnisch sums it up really:

But who really knows what this pack of time-servers really cares about besides a cushy seat for their backsides and a stacked branch for their mates.

Chaos & Catastrophe : Collision with Comet in 6 days

2005-06-28T14:28:00.000+09:30

Fear gripped the people of Planet Earth, as NASA announced that there would be a spectacular collision with comet Tempel 1 in just six days time.

The stock market shuddered and the supermarkets could not keep up with the demand for baked beans, until it became clear that the collision was not with Planet Earth but with a space probe called Deep Impact.

Comet on collision course

In America, panic turned to relief, and then delight as the realisation dawned that the forthcoming lightshow would occur on American Independence Day.

Can anything, ever be too perfect?

Goin' up the country

2005-06-27T11:32:00.000+09:30

I’ve been away, been up the country , and you’ll be pleased to know, I’m back.

It’s important to get out into the country. To leave these smoggy environs and get out amongst the rural folk. To get a sense of what’s happening at the grass roots. And I figure a visit every ten years or so will keep me up to date with the glacial like progress.

I’d been preparing for this trip to the country for some time. My mullet, had now reached the necessary length, as I recalled from my last visit, and I’d dusted off the Amco jeans, The Miller shirt with the gold thread though the weave, and naturally, given that it’s winter, my tartan lumber jacket.

Saturday morning, and I was preparing to go. I was admiring myself in the mirror, noticing that although this gear still fitted me. It had somehow gone out of shape. The last wash seemed to have shrunk the Miller shirt around the midriff, and the button of the Amcos was strangely incapable of mating with its buttonhole. Then while trying to figure out how they used to stay up, I remembered the utility belt.

I turned the house upside down looking for that belt. Time was ticking away, precious country moments were being lost as I rifled though the attic, clothes drawers, the dog kennel, but then ‘thar she blow’s’ hanging from its own hook in the toolshed, next to the spirit level, with its own silhouetted shape traced out on the backboard. Sometimes even I forget how organized I can be.

The utility belt, in addition to being eminently practical, completed the image. It’s got a water bottle, for desert survival. A bowie knife with quick release scabbard located on the right hip, next to my throwing hand. A secret inner pocket with a miniature swiss army knife in case I’m ever held hostage, and a pouch for holding a calculator so I may calculate sun and star azimuth and angles if celestial navigation ever becomes necessary.

The picture now complete, I hitched my swag into the back of the jalopy, and took off. Through the city, over the Westgate and headed in a general westerly direction into the vast interior.

After many hours of travel, I was parched. My water supply was close to exhaustion, and I needed to stop. I was busting for a leak. As I motored into a town I knew it was likely to have at least some basic level of civilization because of the signs announcing its presence. Daylesford : Lattés next 500m.

It was into this little cultural backwater that the jalopy came to rest. Though the day was clear, it was cold, and not for the first time did I congratulate myself for donning the lumber jacket, as I prepared to enter the world of these simple rural residents of Daylesford. I stepped from the car and sauntered casual-like across the road. Well halfway across the road actually, because the bladder was now insistent. I picked up the pace significantly, and burst through the doors of the closest saloon, and made a beeline for the Gents. The relief was blissful, and the weekend took on a distinctly more positive feel.

I exited the Gents and found myself in a time-warp, or more accurately a space-time warp. Surrounding me were tables of slick, sophisticated people all dressed in black, all conducting conversations about tiles and interior decorating, all drinking lattés. This was not what I was expecting. Ten years and the country had changed.

I wandered up to the bar. I needed coffee, and I sat down on the bar stool next to two gentlemen, whom I noticed were sitting rather oddly. As they ordered their lattés, I was aware of something peculiar about their body language, and then the giveaway snatch of conversation…”Well you know I’m the only gay in the village”, and sudden laughter.

I was shocked. This was not the countryside I was expecting, and when the waitress came for my order I was lost for words.

“What would you like Sir?”

“Er… coffee”.

How could I order a latté under these circumstances? People might get the wrong idea.

“Yes and what type?” she said. “Cappuchino? Café Latte? Machiato Espresso? Espresso con Panna? Ristretto?”.

I was mortified. Any one of these choices and the two gentlemen on the adjacent stools would turn their attention to me. But then I remembered I was traveling incognito. I reached deep into my character, and ordered. “Pablo!”

“I beg your pardon Sir”, said the waitress. I’m not familiar with that style.

“You don’t have Pablo?” I said. Now on the front foot. “What sort of coffee shop are you?” “How about International Roast?”

“No Sorry Sir”

“Maxwell House?”

“Er no. Don’t have that either”

“What about Caterers Blend? Surely you’ve got some Caterers Blend out the back for the staff?”
“No Sir I’m sorry. We’ve only got the ones I mentioned”

Now very much in control of the situation, I lowered my voice and said. “Look. I don’t want to make a scene here, so just don’t ask any questions. Just point me in the direction of Melbourne and I’ll be on my way. And here.” I thrust my empty water bottle at her. “Fill this up”.

As I stepped outside, I could sense that she was already on the phone to the authorities. That’s why I gave her the misinformation about heading to Melbourne. I could not afford to be tailed. I was going to go deeper. Deeper into the countryside, where the insidious influence of city culture had not permeated. I was going to go in search of the lost Australia.

I was going in search of Uncle Jack’s farm

…… To be continued

Labor First Stumbles

2005-06-24T15:00:00.000+09:30

Barely out of the starting gate, Labor First stumbles big time by divulging information that shouldn't be divulged. Andrew Landeryou has more.

Has the nascent attempt to create some sort of reason for people to be a member of the ALP been stillborn?

Crime Time Drama

2005-06-24T10:52:00.000+09:30

We here at the City love crime. We love crime because crime pays. Crime pays big time. Crime is great for readership, because our readers love crime too, and that means that our advertisers love crime as well. Crime makes everyone happy.

At the City we love crime almost as much as the Herald Sun. So you can imagine our surprise and disappointment today when we read in that prudishly principled party pooper of a paper, the Age, that Victoria has the second lowest crime rate in the nation next to Tasmania.

As we’ve explained in the past crime is good for the economy, and this information is conclusive proof that the economy going backwards. The rate things are going, soon we won’t be able to look down our noses at Tasmania.

There is a deadly serious side to this though. The article also points out “that Victoria had the highest rate of people charged with causing death by driving” and “that Victorians were more likely to be killed on the roads than people in other states”.

So despite crime being down, and murder being down, the road deaths are up, and in addition to the tragedy that that is, there is also that sad fact that that just doesn’t sell papers.

Now we all know what a band of thieves the state government is for trampling on the civil liberties of the Victorian motorist, and that the crusade against the Victorian motorist has already been brought as close to total victory as it is likely to get. And so we call on the Victorian government to redeploy their “band of thieves” to “the beat”.

We need a visible police presence here on the streets, and the only way to do this without actually increasing the budget is to take them off the highways. A visible police presence will do two things. It’ll fix up our problem with the perception of crime, which is way out of control at present, and it’ll give us something to write about when there’s no more terror.

Selling Sillibilli

2005-06-23T16:13:00.000+09:30

Andrew Landeryou has an interesting take on this article in the Australian, that outlines a plan by Melbourne's richest businessmen to set up a Prime Minsterial home in Melbourne.

The Businessmen including Linday Fox, Solly Lew, Michael Kroger and Jeff Kennet reckon that Melbourne town's going backwards because John Howard's too Sydney centric, spending all his time in Sillibilli.

Mr. Landeryou's take is that it's corruption. But is it? If it becomes a Commonwealth property, managed by the Commonwealth then it will be available to all future PMs also. So really its just trying to ensure a level of even handedness.

The fact of the matter is that having Sillibilli as PM Central does give Sydney an advantage over all other state capitals, and that'd be OK if all the other capitals were happy with it. But they're not.

So really. Its either buy a Prime Ministerial residence in each state capital, or sell Sillibilli.

Anderson

2005-06-23T13:33:00.000+09:30

So, John Anserson is quitting his job as deputy leader. Hey? You’ve got to ask yourself, why didn’t he have the courage to go into hiding, to try just once, and fail, and say “bugger that, and bugger everybody”, to chuck a wobbly and refuse to speak with his colleagues, to throw a good old public tanty?

Some people just aren’t cut out for politics.

Harrumphing with the Stars

2005-06-22T13:26:00.000+09:30

There’s been much harrumphing in media circles about the deal struck between Douglas Wood and the Ten Network for his exclusive story.

Bob Brown and David Marr on Radio National this morning were harrumphing at Wood’s decision to take the money and run. Senator Brown complaining that taxpayers had spent $10 million bailing Mr Wood out and he should be speaking to the Australian public for free. Brown also complaining that Mr. Woods Iraqi colleagues were executed, so he has an obligation to give the money to their families.

Mr. Marr complaining that by paying for the story, Ten would be asking only ‘soft’ questions, trying to make out their new boy in the best possible light, thus not giving the Australian public the true story, which they deserve.

In the end they settled on the conclusion that although Mr. Wood was doing nothing illegal, it’s unethical. “A bit off”.

The Age’s Tracee Hutchinson, takes a different tack, and simply shitcans Mr. Wood as a “blustering buffoon” with “none of the grace and dignity of his brothers”, and Channel Ten as fools and amateurs for not realizing, unlike Seven and Nine, that the Douglas Wood story has been tainted by the “cringe-worthiness” of Douglas Wood himself.

What a crock hey? Let’s take Senator Brown.

Taxpayers money was spent is his first argument. Well yeah? So what? I’d bloody well expect the taxpayer to kick in if I was in the same situation. We all would. Not only that, as PR guru Max Marxson said on the same program. Wood is going to pay roughly half his fee in tax anyway. He’s making his contribution.

That he should donate to the fatherless Iraqi families is his next line: Right so it was Woods fault that they were murdered was it Senator? He should pay compensation should he? If Mr. Wood chooses to make a voluntary donation to those families then that’s his business. He doesn’t need lecturing. He is a private citizen. Not a public citizen like Mr. Brown, and to lecture Mr. Wood on his moral obligations before he’s even had a chance to come to grips with his ordeal is disgraceful.

Mr. Marr criticizes Ten. He criticizes the whole shabbiness of chequebook journalism. With this I agree. But it exists, what do you do? We can whinge and moan but they’re all the same the commercial media, and frankly I’d rather Ten get the gig, amateurish Ten, youth oriented, slap happy Ten, that that big fat stinker of malevolence and manipulation, Nine.

Marr’s other criticism is that “the whole” truth won’t come out. He argues that because Ten have to handle their man with kid gloves, they won’t be able to dig in to get the whole story, the whole sordid money grubbing reason why Douglas Wood was in Iraq in the first place.

Well my attitude again is. So what? Why do any of us feel we need to be told the whole truth by Douglas Wood? What right do we have to demand it of this man, a private citizen? He’s not running for office – he doesn’t have to prove his integrity to anyone! He was a prisoner. He was very likely almost killed, and he probably witnessed several executions himself. What right do we have to question any of his motives surrounding this matter?

Finally there’s Tracee Hutchinson, formally of both Seven and Nine you’ll note, still probably with friends there, and not inclined to upset them. She makes out Ten to be foolish. Suckered in. Where Seven and Nine have realized that Wood is tainted goods, Ten have blindly stumbled in she implies. Well that’s just got to be rubbish. Nine wrote the sleazy cheque book journalism play book. They’ve been at it for years. No crook is too slimy for Channel Nine not to cough up for an expose. No everyman hero too naïve for Nine to exploit chew up and spit out when their use-buy date is passed. Nine might have been outbid by newby Ten, but they were slavering like the hungry dogs they are to get the deal.

And Seven, well they’re just made up of disgruntled former Nine slimers who are looking for payback. Crap I say Ms Hutchinson. Crap. No, as far as I’m concerned. If we’re going to have shoddy cheque book journalism, and lets face it, it's here to stay, then give me Ten every time. Bookend it with the pink-bits from Big Brother, and lets stop pretending that there is any dignity left in commercial television.

Will I be watching Douglas Wood on Channel Ten on Sunday night? Hell no. I’ve got a back-log of recordings of the new Doctor Who and the new Black Books series to get through before I even need to contemplate switching over to commercial TV.

For Sale: Australia - Crazy knock down prices

2005-06-21T09:47:00.000+09:30

Tiring now of the internecine squabbling that’s occurring in the Victorian ALP, The City scans the horizon to see what other muck we can uncover. What other skankiness we can sniff out. And it doesn’t take long. There’s an outrage lurking in every newspaper every day that needs to be exposed to the air and sunlight.

Today’s story though is one of sad and bitter regret, as the breathing gets fainter and the pulse weaker in Australia’s Information Technology Industry. There was once a time when we thought we could, cowboy style, leap at full gallop from the sheep’s back, onto the IT gravy train and ride prosperously into the sunset.

Sadly no more, for as The Age reports, we’re buggered.

The news gets worse each year. Again the Australian Computer Society has released its annual report on the national information and communications technology trade deficit and again we have gone backwards.

Last year Australia imported $19 billion more in ICT goods and services than it exported. Over the past three years, imports have gone up by nearly 20 per cent and exports have gone down by 10 per cent. Over the past five years, we have imported about $90 million more in ICT equipment and services than we have exported.

To put this in perspective, our ICT trade deficit is higher than our total exports of iron ore, beef and wheat combined. Australia's overall trade deficit is at record levels, exceeding $25 billion last year. ICT makes up just about all of that and the proportion is increasing.

Did you get that last para? The hard work of all of our wheat farmers, our beef farmers, and those millions of tons of Iron ore that we dig up each year, still doesn’t pay for all that electronic gadgetry that we buy from overseas.

Contrast that with Malaysia, a country of similar population, (and yes admittedly shocking and rude manners when it comes to diplomacy), who earned something in the order of $55 Billion in export in this industry.

As The Age says:

You would think this would be front-page news. But our political masters are not concerned. Their attitude is that we gain more from our use of ICT than we lose from paying so much to import it.

This is not just a problem in IT though. Back in February the Age noted Local manufacturing output has risen by an underwhelming 6 per cent in three years, while manufactured imports have risen 48 per cent. Even countries such as Japan and Germany have had export volumes grow by 21 and 28 per cent respectively in the past three years, while Australia's has grown by just 1 per
cent.

Yet all Mr. Costello seemed to be able to do when Australia’s trade deficit hit
its highest ever back in March, is to whinge about the states, and that because of their poor planning and lack of investment in infrastructure, we couldn’t ship coal to China fast enough. As though that was the solution!

Yeah right on Mr. Costello, and now that you’ve managed to swing your deal with the States, and they’ve given you want you wanted on GST tax reform – where are you? No more whinging about infrastructure we notice, and why? ‘Cause the pressure’s off. We’ve all moved on to something else.

Meanwhile, more and more jobs get exported overseas, and you have no plan to nuture our industries of the future. That’s the real problem, and what are you doing about it? Nothing!

Use your noodle Mr. Costello. Bring back Noodle Nation. It’s available in a remainders bin near you.

Hot at the top

2005-06-20T12:41:00.000+09:30

In perhaps its most important piece of journalism this year, Australia’s most popular newspaper The Herald Sun, has been attempting to find out how attractive Victorian Premier Bracks, and Deputy Premier Thwaites are to women.

Now even we, red-hot, ridgy-didge, straight as an arrow Melbourne blokes, know that these two fellows are hot. Damn hot. But we had no idea that they were that hot!

The Herald Sun, does though, and so do countless happily hormone high American women who saw the handsome visages of Australia’s spunkiest (or hunkiest if that word means different things to you) politicians on the website Am-I-Hot-Or-Not

The Herald Sun has revealed that “The Batman and Robin of State politics”, are hot-hot-hotter on the chick-magnetism scale than 78% of the male population, and The City can confirm this is the case too. Once while standing within shouting distance of the Deputy Premier, I too could sense the aura, the animal magnetism, as thousands of ladies crowded in. Crying, screaming, trying to touch him, tearing at his Bourke St. bought Del-Monti.

Its like Beatlemania, and I seriously contemplated giving up my work here at The City and becoming a roadie with their outfit, just to experience THE LIFE, and to assist those attractive young ladies, who don’t quite make it to the inner circle, in understanding the thoughts and ideals that motivate their idols.

A chunk of hunk

Good on The Herald Sun. It knows what the people need in these tough times of refugee revisionism and global warming worries. It needs a story to warm the loins of the women of Melbourne, and bring out the gladiator in their men-folk, and it has delivered today in spades.

We look forward to more of The Herald Sun’s special brand of relevance, and wonder why aren’t the ABC doing this sort of thing? Is Andrew Bolt the best they’ve got? Surely our 8 cents a day can be spent on better talent than him. They should at least ask him to get his teeth fixed.

Labor First Fires Up

2005-06-20T11:04:00.000+09:30

It looks like the quiet rumours in the background are true. The Australian (sorry no online link) today has an article on page two about the group called Labor First. Evan Thornley it seems has a role in its creation, and Race Matthews is interviewed about the intent of the group.

In short they're about regenerating this tired old political work horse, and taking the Party away from its factional madness. (Sorry going by memory here, I read the article in a coffee shop during recess, and you know how lattes can fuddle the brain)

Anyway, they've got themsleves a website, or at least a teaser. Three cheers for these people, and best 'o' luck. Anyone who's prepared to get off their bums and give the creaking ALP machinery a swift kick in the tush gets my support.

The Happy Hookers

2005-06-18T17:33:00.000+09:30

Good news my friends. Hot on the heals of Melbourne’s most successful export industry; the wholesale shipping of the corporate headquarters of our largest companies up the Hume Highway to Sydney, another mighty Melbourne institution has left the Laboratory of the CBD and is now being trialled ready for export.

I am speaking of course of the much loved hook turn.

Clarendon St. in South Melbourne was the very first street outside the CBD to be granted the opportunity to have the hook turn as part of a trial to see if the tram times could be sped up. The hook turn wasn’t the only thing in the trial. There were several other aspects of the trial including making it harder to find a park, causing a downturn in trading along the shopping strip, and creating confusion amongst public transport users by relocating the tram stops. All to no avail however, the trams still could not be sped up.

Personally I’m not disappointed. Have you ever been on a tram where the driver moonlights as the brakeman on the scenic railway? It is most undignified to find oneself cannonading down the aisle. Flying briefcase nearly decapitating some poor punter, only to find yourself on your knees in front of the ticket inspector. Did you validate the ticket this morning? Of course you did. But where is the bastard? And then you find it, in your wallet after double checking all of your seven available pockets. The inspector duly inspects, and sniffs dismissively, and you clamber to your feet. “You’re lucky I validated it this time”, you say, in an attempt to assert control over the situation. But there really is no recovering from that.

Trams most certainly do not need to be faster, and the trial is now over. But the hook turn remains in Clarendon St, and it is for the better, for the whole city one day should have hook turns. Hook turns on every corner, and then when we’re ready, we ship the hook turns up the Hume to Sydney, so that the corporate headquarters that were nurtured and cultivated in this fine city and which are now relocated overlooking the glistening waters of Harbour can once again feel at home.

-o0o-

And to celebrate the dignified and understated spirit and beauty that is Melbourne, I invoke the fine work of Russell Degnan and am proud to say:

Been there
Been there
Been there
Been there

and its so good I’m going back.

Update: For those out of towners wishing to practice the hook turn in their dreams before arriving, Russell has provided a link to a neat little animation

The Good and Bad News from Iraq

2005-06-17T11:01:00.000+09:30

The BBC presents several lives in a day of Iraq.

Curse that left-dominated media. Why can't they stick with the script?

Mickey misses mark. Makes mess of mauling

2005-06-17T09:43:00.000+09:30

You’ve got to feel sorry for poor Peter Mickelburough over at Australia’s favourite newspaper The Herald Sun. Mr. Mickelburough, we’ll call him Mr. Mick to save you wasting your precious day with all those extra syllables, was all fired up yesterday, rubbing his hands together with glee because he’d got the whiff of another story of Bracks government nepotism.

Mr. Mick’s specialty over at The Herald Sun is the Bracks “jobs for the boys” story. It’s his favourite, and The Herald Sun bosses know that when they let Mr. Mick off the leash he’s going to turn up dirt on Premier Bracks.

Today though Mr. Mick, lets call him Mickey because we’re coming to know him quite well now, had already started with the big Bracks Bash headline and the killer introductory sentence:

Wife of union boss on board

THE wife of a prominent union boss has landed a $20,000-a-year job with the Bracks Government.

It was lucky I wasn’t driving when I read this, because I might have just stopped reading right there, and been left with the impression of another scoop by Mickey exposing another Labor mates racket. But unfortunately I read on.

We find out next that it’s some job on a Board, and that the wife in question is Deborah Beale, spouse of none other than Australia’s future Prime Minister Bill Shorten.

Strange, I thought. What’s the Herald Sun doing attacking Mr. Shorten. Just as Andrew Landeryou will tell you that The Age is aligned with the Left factions of the ALP, it is well known that The Herald Sun, is aligned with the Right factions of the ALP, and that Herald Sun big nob Andrew Bolt, and Mr. Shorten are mates, via mutual mate Senator Stephen Conroy.

And then, Mickey’s lovingly crafted savaging falls completely in a heap as he is forced to reveal that Ms. Beale is the daughter of former Liberal MP, Julian Beale, and further, that Opposition Leader Robert Doyle had no problems with the appointment because Ms Beale is eminently qualified for the job.

So everyone’s happy. Ms. Beale, Future PM Shorten, Doyle, Bracks. Everyone that is except Mickey who was simply unable to finish his article the way he wanted.

Our advice to Mickey, is to obtain enough information to get the headline, and leave it there. Start digging too deep and you reveal too many cross currents, too much complexity, too many things that undermine the power of those first few sentences.

We suggest in future Mickey that you go with your instincts. Instincts are cleaner and more satisfying than those pesky facts, and they pay more too. Go-on Mickey, take the plunge, we know your gagging for it - Become Andrew Bolt.

Wood free

2005-06-16T08:29:00.000+09:30

It is good to see that quiet patience can be rewarded and prayers answered.

As Tim Dunlop states. It is Good news from Iraq.

The quiet stoic dignity of the Wood family sits in stark contrast to the shrill indignation of the Corby clique, just as the heartfelt statements of the Prime Minister and Mr. Beazley sit in start contrast to the mealy mouthed pettiness of Tim Blair.

Offshoring : Where the buck stops there.

2005-06-15T14:16:00.000+09:30

Alan Kohler, the Age’s preeminent business columnist reveals a dirty little secret that is not mentioned in polite society. It concerns the Banks, and the fact that their decades long dream run of profits is now coming to an end. The Banks you see are being squeezed. They are facing big competition from brokers and mortgage companies as they fall over themselves to throw money at you. And the cost of borrowing all that money that throw at you has gone up because no-one in Australia saves money anymore (we’re all in debt you see), so they have to borrow this money overseas at higher interest rates.

The end result is that the Bank’s profit margins are being squeezed. Shareholders being shareholders don’t like this, so they demand action. End result? Cost cutting. The Razor Gang. Slash and Burn.

As Kohler points out the dirty little secret, not mentioned in polite society, is offshore outsourcing (offshoring), which fundamentally means sacking call-centre staff, operational staff, IT staff here in Australia, and setting up a center in India or the Phillipines or some low wage country.

Australian banks are well behind their American and European counterparts in outsourcing call centres and processing functions to low-cost countries. Hundreds of thousands of Indians are now employed answering bank customers' inquiries and processing data.

In fact the Indian outsourcing market is becoming saturated; the next outsourcing boom is happening in the Philippines, and that is where the Australian bank customers will soon be ringing for their inquiries (without knowing it).

The challenge for all of the banks will be to bring this off without causing a riot back home. The community is still getting over the wave of branch closures and lay-offs during the '90s; there will soon be another wave of redundancies as call centres and processing centres are closed and the work outsourced to the Philippines.

So brace yourselves folks for the big stoush as Aussie battlers and aspirationals fall victim to the more competitive Phillipino battler. Brace yourselves also for the sleek pared back arguments from the economic rationalists, that this is in fact a good thing. That it creates opportunity back here at home because it creates profit, and so the lucky recipients of that profit can invest it back into creating new jobs.

Or maybe not. Since we bricks and mortar obsessed Aussies are just as likely to invest it back into houses, thus restarting the debt boom that triggered all this in the first place.

Call me old fashioned, but it strikes me that if you want to have an economy that functions, where people pay taxes, and have a little bit left over at the end of the week to take the kids to the cinema, or buy them toys, then you need to make sure that there are jobs for them in Australia, and that they’re not on the dole. There must come a time where so many jobs are offshored, that it starts hurting the economy. Tell me that the current massive US trade deficit is not partly a result of its Manufacturing being outsourced to China.

It is the American multinationals like Wal-Mart doing the outsourcing of course. Their shareholders are mighty happy. It’s just the American workers who’re left scratching their head.

As we prepare to take sides in this one, it might be wise to bone up on the pros and cons handily prepared by the Government at taxpayer expense so we can amuse ourselves with debate while it all happens anyway behind the scenes.

Counterintuitive Claptrap

2005-06-15T11:50:00.000+09:30

In the wake of the success of Everything bad is good for you, (or why dumb pop culture makes you smarter) by Stephen Johnson, and Are you dumb enough to be rich?, and The Wisdom of Crowds: Why the many are smarter than the few , City Publishers is releasing a series of new books in our Counterintuitive Series:

How to eat like a pig, and still fit into your wedding dress.

Fight fat by giving into your cravings.

Why outsourcing created unemployment is good for the economy

How to still achieve your goals after you die.

The rich mans burden – and why they’re doing you a favour keeping you poor.

The British gourmet cookbook

Compassionate Conservatism Vol. 2

City Publishers is looking for media savvy, TV friendly authors and academics willing to place their reputations on the line for a quick buck. Call now. Interviews commence next Monday.

Telco Sol - A Potted History

2005-06-14T15:50:00.000+09:30

Here's a little backgrounder on Sol Trujillo. New CEO of Telstra, and the man responsible for making it as attractive as possible to foreign investors as the Government prepares to do the Ta-ta Telstra Twostep.

Berlin - Beard City

2005-06-14T11:55:00.000+09:30

Meet Willi Chevalier from Singmaringen, Germany.

Willi Chevalier

Willi is the current holder of the world beard and moustache champions trophy. He competed in the “freestyle” category. This years contest will be held in Berlin.

The City will be keeping a close eye on this important event and keeping you up to date with the latest. Last year as I’m sure you know, there was the shocking doping scandal when one of the Eastern-bloc contestants tested positive for Rogaine, and of course who can forget the scandalous story of the Bavarian team at a post tournament shindig when a tipsy waitress was tickled unconscious during a kissathon with her hirsuite heroes.

We'll do our best to keep you informed of the beard antics from Berlin, and wish you strength as you fight to maintain your air of total indifference to football this Winter.

(Via J-walk)

Will Abbouche Vamoos?

2005-06-13T10:40:00.000+09:30

The City once again doffs its hat to the fine journalistic standards being practiced by our cross town rival The OC. The quality of dirt and gold plated gossip receiving an airing over at Southbank Central is thrilling the good burghers of Melbourne, as it is thrilling we here at The City.

Led by the irrepressible Andrew Landeryou, The OC today gives us, not just ‘the good oil’, but the rancid fat from the back of the deep fryer in the ALP kitchen.

Mo Abbouche is a central player in today’s saga as reported in an article in today’s Age by their best political reporter, as acknowledged by Mr. Landeryou. It reveals the branch stacking charges being made against Mr. Abbouche, and highlights that Mr. Abbouche virtually admitted to branch stacking:

On February 27 The Sunday Age reported that Cr Abbouche "said he would support a preselection challenge to Ms Vamvakinou and that he had been recruiting members to the Labor Party 'and those members are most likely to vote against her at the next preselection

What a character this Mr. Abbouche is. He pops up in several places. He is mentioned in a Crikey article, penned by an anonymous ALP “insider”, who paints him as a dill, a dim-witted factional stooge.

He also crops up in the May 2003 Victorian Hansard (warning large PDF), where Liberal MP Smith describes an ALP state conference at the time.

Then came the announcement of some rule changes, and the crowd tried to lock the doors to keep out some of the participants. Mo ‘The Rat’ Abbouche just could not decide what corner he was in. Was he in the tomato red corner with the overweight, beer-swilling wharfies and building workers led by federal Senator Kim Carr, or was he in the pink corner led by the latte-drinking Bill Shorten, who was supported by the Williamstown wankers? Referee Jim Claven had no control over the fight — but then again most puppets do not.

Seems that Mr. Abbouche is a little confused again poor feller.

It’s comforting to know that people like Mr. Abbouche, slow, dim-witted, perhaps even handicapped, have potential within the ALP. It shows that it’s a caring organisation, prepared to look after even the dumbest clods, give them a good job as mayor, help them make their way in this harsh world. We tip our hat not only to The OC, but to Messers Shorten and Conroy as well, for their compassion and sense of responsibility, and for looking after the more unfortunate in our community.

Taxing Times Traumatise Terror Tainted Town

2005-06-12T10:53:00.000+09:30

Melbournians were shocked this morning, when flicking through their diaries, to discover that there were only 18 sleeps before the 30th June - The end of the financial year.

Normally a stolid and stoic peoples, hardened by bleak winters and unnatural attitudes to sport, we Melbournians suddenly found ourselves in a tizz, a mad panic as we realised that there were only 13 working days left before the lord-high executioner’s axe falls on the cut off date.

Tax Accountants around the City are bracing themselves for the deluge of calls they can expect from the panicked populace, as the good burghers of Melbourne thumb through the yellow pages, and ring around, trying to find a Tax Accountant who has not failed them in the past. (For this is the problem with Tax Accountants you see - Despite their reputation as experts in the field – you still end up paying tax)

Shoe boxes around the city are being withdrawn from cupboards, and being stuffed even fuller with receipts from fat wallets, and pregnant purses. Bank statements are being retrieved from the paper recycling bin, and the bottom of the budgie cage. Businessmen, Tradesman and Contractors are beginning to wonder if the thousands of dollars spent on “Secretarial Services”, and appearing on their corporate credit card statement, really are tax deductible, and if perhaps it might not have been better to pay in cash.

Unemployed Italian men gather in Lygon street, and sit around sipping Machiatos in their Zegna suits, admiring each others shiny Ferraris parked on the street and furtively and desperately discussing the implications of the work for the dole scheme, and various banking techniques, but still, importantly, keeping one eye out for the ladies.

Pregnant Teenagers cross their fingers and hope for twins, already picturing in their mind the placement of the longed for Plasma TV, that could be afforded with a double dose of the baby bonus bonanza, and hoping that the births straddle the midnight bell on June 30th so that benefits due to each child fall in different financial periods.

Tax Terror is what it is my friends. It’s a fear of the unknown. Fear of an unbalanced ledger. Fear that the authorities will demand proof that you really do have a subscription to that boring professional literature that you claim on every year. Fear that the thousands lost in Las Vegas at the Statisticians Conference, might not pass muster as Research and Development expenditure.

They know this, the authorities. They know about this fear, and they exploit it. They use it to control, and manipulate my friends. It is the most insidious kind of terrorism, and it happens under our very noses every year.

I call on you all this year to boycott tax completely. Simply refuse to close off your books, fail to make your superannuation commitments, put your group certificates through the shredder. If not that, then just delay things. Delay things till say 30th July. Let’s arbitrarily decide to end the financial year one month later. That’ll show them whose boss. One month my friends. It’s not much to ask when fighting terror of this nature. Look I’ll settle for one week. Let’s delay things one week. One week please. That’s all I need.

Blair sheds a sneer for Sheik

2005-06-10T23:28:00.000+09:30

Today Tim Blair sniffed and wiped the sneer from his eye, as he heard the news that Sheikh Taj El-Din Al-Hilaly had left Iraq, and was not successful in obtaining the freedom of Douglas Wood.

Here’s how Mr. Blair announced the news to his fans:

AL-VIS HAS LEFT THE BUILDING (Elvis gedit?)

Sheikh al-Hilali’s rescue mission—during which the Sheikh’s spokesmen and supporters announced several “breakthroughs” and even the anticipated release of Douglas Wood—is over

So. What’s with the “scare quotes” do you think? Well, I’ll let you into a little secret. They’re not scare quotes. They’re sneer quotes. Mr. Blair it appears is not entirely unhappy that the Sheik has failed in his objective. That the Sheik has failed to release Mr. Wood.

Don’t get me wrong. Blair would like to see Douglas Wood free. Of course he would. But he would prefer that Wood fought his way out alone.

Wood is 63 years old. These “insurgents” are real tough guys, aren’t they? I bet Wood could take all of them if he wasn’t tied up.

The Sheik though - that’s another matter. Blair has had it in for the Sheik all along.

Less worthy are comments from Sheik Taj el-Din al Hilaly, described as the “spiritual leader of Australian Muslims”, who is on his way to Iraq to rescue Douglas Wood—and to score vile and opportunistic political points in the process

And mocked his attempts at every turn

Thanks to Sheikh Al Hilaly’s mad negotiating skillz, conditions for Wood’s release have blown out from an original 1,400 Australians to the entire 177,000-strong coalition force—plus release of all female prisoners. Well done, Sheikh! You are helping!

So Tim. I hope you’re satisfied. He's unable to demonstrate that he has influence. His attempt at propaganda - convincing Australians that Muslims might be okay - is no more. Happy now?

Now what was your plan again?

Our Nic - Redux

2005-06-09T20:42:00.000+09:30

Is our Nic a fan of Michael Jackson?

Our Nic - before and after

According to Awful Plastic Surgery she is.

The funniest thing about this site is not the pics, which are actually gruesome, but the fact that all the google ads on the side are for cheap plastic surgery in places like Costa Rica and Argentina.

But like I always say. If you're not going to compromise your principles for money, when are you going to compromise them?

Mythbusters : Brain Snapping, Is it possible?

2005-06-09T09:31:00.000+09:30

Sometimes you read things in the Newspaper and think. Can it be true? Is it possible? This happened today as thousands of Sydneysiders spread their copy of the Daily Telegraph out on the breakfast table, and over the top of their Weet-Bix observed the headline Crowe : How my Brain Snapped.

People of course were drawn to the article, only to be disappointed, because nowhere else does the article mention this remarkable phenomenon. We don’t find out if it hurts (the brain has no nerve endings apparently), we read no doctors testimony, no medical evidence. All we get is what we assume are the symptoms - The compulsion to throw things.

Inspired by the scientific approach taken by Mr Tim Blair and his team of lab assistants, who determined that a Koran won’t go around the S-bend, The City has undertaken to investigate the question: Can Brains Snap?

Step One : First we needed a Brain. We invited Mr. Blair to provide his for this experiment, but he claimed he was using it for something else at the time. So we were forced to seek an alternative. We window shopped at the local butcher but found the sight of so much organic matter decidedly off-putting. Instead we visited the toy shop and invested in a giant bucket of Play-Doh.

Step Two : We fashioned the Play-Doh into a brain-like shape, guided by the old visible man model gathering dust on top of the book case.

Step Three – Snapping

Snap Attempt One – Taking the ‘stand in’ brain, we held it in both hands and then applied a large and instantaneous shear force. This resulted in a substantial distortion of the brain, but it did not actually snap.

Snap Attempt Two - We placed a large ladder against the side of the house, and climbed to a point where it was very wobbly indeed. We then released the stand-in brain. On impact the brain distorted and flattened. It did not bounce, and there was no evidence of snapping.

Snap Attempt Three – We felt that the stand-in brain may have been exhibiting overly elastic behaviour. To control for this we placed it in the freezer for six hours. On removal of the brain from the freezer we wrapped it in insulating material and ascended the ladder once again to the wobbliest section. We released the brain. The sound on impact this time was distinctly different, and the brain split in two down the hemispherical axis. The Brain had snapped.

Mythbusted? – We did have to apply unusual measures (the freezing) to achieve the snapping we were looking for. At room temperature the stand in brain exhibited marked plasticity, but at –3 degrees we found that brain snapping is possible.

Conclusion – Plausible : If we assume that Mr. Crowe had placed his head inside the hotel refrigerator for at least six hours before the incident, it is certainly possible that his brain did snap.

Welcome to Fear Central

2005-06-08T12:21:00.000+09:30

We’re quaking in our boots down here in Victoria. Our knees are knocking, our teeth chattering : We’re wetting our pants as a chilling climate of fear and dread takes hold in these trepidacious times.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself “ said President Roosevelt, and that’s exactly what we’re doing. We are fearful of fear, and the Government have been trying to keep from the public a secret report that proves just how fearful of fear we are.

Australia’s most popular newspaper, The Herald Sun, has been on the case, keen to tell us the truth : that we’re more scared shitless than we could possibly imagine.

Last Sunday the Herald Sun broke the big story about the secret State Government document. This incredibly expensive report called the Perception of Justice Survey, that the Government didn’t want us to have, was eventually obtained by the tireless reporters of the Herald Sun through Freedom of Information requests.

It blows the lid on the whole “Fear Frustration Strategy”, that the Government has been trying to secretly promote, and now we can freely fan the frantic flames of fear, as we have a right to do in a democracy.

Neil Mitchell has not be slow to act either, yesterday Mr. Mitchell launched into fear overdrive:

THERE'S an epidemic of fear in Victoria and this time the people deserve better than a pat on the head, some reassuring platitudes, and a series of feel-good TV commercials.

Usually, the politicians treat us like dills. They tell us we're ignorant and claim there is no need to be worried about becoming a victim of crime because statistics prove it is unlikely. But pumping out a statistical fog dodges the issue. Perceptions of crime do matter because they affect directly how we live.

Too right Neil, and perceptions of fear matter too. How does the average battler know how fearful to be unless he’s got some idea of how fearful everyone else is? This stuff needs to be out in the open. If we don’t feel scared enough then we get complacent. We start thinking about justice instead of punishment, rehabilitation instead of retribution.

Its high time that the State Government and the Justice System, started listening to the views of the people as expressed by the Herald Sun and started getting tough on the cause of our fear, Our Judges.

If we don’t act now, then the fear will become a self fulfilling prophecy, and goodness knows where that might lead, maybe Mass Hysteria.

Beer Blowout Blamed on Bully IRC Bombshell

2005-06-08T08:44:00.000+09:30

It was the last hurrah for the Australian Industrial Relations Commission yesterday as the big government bandwagon spluttered to a stop on the highway to Battlerville.

And none too soon according to Brian Kearney president of the Australian Hotels Association who blamed this week’s ten cents price rise for a pot of beer on the decision to grant an extra $17 per week to the nations lowest paid workers.

“We figured we’d better get in for our chop first”, said Mr. Kearney, “After all they’re either going to piss it up against the wall, feed it into a pokie, or spend it on cigs, so better it goes into the pocket of my members, eh?”

When The City queried this explanation, pointing out that he used a different argument in the Herald Sun : That the price rise was inevitable because of the now increased operating costs due to higher wages, Mr Kearney agreed that it was also a good line, but he’d forgotten it just now.

We asked Mr. Kearney how we would know the right time to raise prices in the future without the big, well publicised signals coming from the IRC.

“Its going to be difficult, I’d be the first to admit that, but we’ve got our marketing boys on the job. All we need is some plausible excuse, and I’m sure, with the high salaries we’re paying our boffins, they’ll be able to figure something out”

The City visited a local bar to gauge the reaction of drinkers to the shocking news. “What of it”, said Aaron Clauzwitz, a corporate lawyer for a large multinational, who was celebrating a recent supreme court victory. “Ten cents hey?, well I guess I’ll just have to dig deep to find the necessary finances. Maybe the wife’ll have to skip a Pilates class or two”

So there we have it. People are suffering out there, and its because of all of those Nanny State institutions that still linger on, strangling this country, and squeezing the poor battler dry.

The sooner we get trickle down economics going, and then concentrate on fixing the leaks, the better we’ll all be.

Transmission Interruption

2005-06-04T10:17:00.000+09:30

Management regrets to advise that transmission will be temporarily interrupted as a result of an industrial dispute.

We ask for your patience and kind indulgence, and can assure you that propaganda will resume shortly.

Etch-a-Sketch : Problem Solved

2005-06-03T11:47:00.000+09:30

Do you remeber how difficult it was trying to draw diagonal lines, or even worse, circles with your old Etch-a-sketch? One knob controlled verticle movement, and one knob controlled horizontal movement, but working them together to draw a curve was next to impossible.

Well, some bright spark has come up with the answer.

See. Like I say, science can solve everything!

Skanky Hoedown Showdown

2005-06-02T16:30:00.000+09:30

The ABC reports that Australian researchers have identified 25 different categories for the World's Oldest Profession. It includes categories such as street-worker and bondage and discipline worker.

We know what you're thinking : Does it include Conservative Columnist? Well we're still investigating, but one thing for sure, we'll soon be able to read all about how your taxpayer dollars have been spent analysing something that conservative columnists are happy to do for free.

Is Google Evil?

2005-06-02T11:23:00.000+09:30

We all use Google, and we all love it right? The dorky name, the cheeky logo, that simple clean interface. Google has had remarkable press over the years and has somehow developed an image as being a sort of undergraduate comp-sci project that just kept growing and has at its core an idealistic vision and wishes us to all share in it.

According to Google Watch however, there’s a whole lot going on behind the scenes in Google that you should at least be aware of: Here’s a few things for starters.

The Google search results are now being corrupted and manipulated by a whole tribe of web-spammers, and bloggers who’ve figured out how to scam the game.
Google records all of your web searches, your IP address, and links it back to you with a cookie that doesn’t expire for a long time.
The Google toolbar’s Autolink feature has the capability to modify web pages as you view them, and insert links that the writer of the web page didn’t insert. It can direct a reader away from your website (if you’re a business) and to another website who has preferential deals with Google.
Google new Gmail is being offered up as the solution to your email management problem. 1Gig of space just for you. The downside according to Google watch is that Google will trawl and index all your mail (they never really delete anything, even if you think you have), and the potential for abuse is staggering if you consider that they can cross-index all this old email and the email addresses and the email content.

A nice summary can be found here.

It could be paranoia, and maybe it is at this point in time, but will it always be so?

Anyway I hope that’s made your day. Happy googling.

Brutal Murder Shock

2005-06-02T09:49:00.000+09:30

According to an informed source, a scandal plagued, flamboyant self styled guru, who is allegedly dogged by a character issue, was savagely murdered by a beloved intensely private hero firefighter who is a known to be a confirmed bachelor.

This shocking revelation was revealed by a source who spoke on the condition of anonymity, but uncertainty still exists as the police task force explore the exclusive neighbourhood for more vital evidence.

With News Wire Services (and Crikey)

Aussie David v's 6 Goliaths

2005-06-01T11:48:00.000+09:30

The CSIRO is a great Australian institution. Founded according to a simple, and traditionally Australian concept, that if we all pool our resources and set ourselves ambitious goals, and work hard, we can achieve more than if we just waste our energies dog-eat-dog fashion.

The CSIRO with origins in the early days of World War 1 is a standout legacy of those fine Australian traditions and institution that our forefathers dreamed up for the benefit of all. It has over the years had to defend itself from attacks by those right-wing ideologues who believe that pooling resources is evil, and who believe that the only success that counts is that achieved at the expense of others.

The CSIRO has fought off these challenges, and proven time and time again that publicly funded institutions deliver high value to Australian society.

So it is fascinating to see this traditional Aussie battler institution setting itself up for a huge stoush with half a dozen monoliths of the American computer industry including Microsoft, Dell, Intel, HP and Apple.

The CSIRO you see has got a patent on some technology that allows computers to communicate with Wireless technology.

The big monsters don’t like it naturally because they see the market for WIFI getting really big, and they don’t want to share any of the pie with our little Aussie battler institution. So they’ve launched a legal case to overturn the patent. The legal resources that these companies have at their disposal is enormous, and our little Aussie battler is going to have to finance this case and fight tooth and nail, paying big US lawyers, big US dollars to beat the bastards back.

For the Americans the US-Australia FTA is mostly about intellectual property. Its about forking over royalties to American firms, and they’re very aggressive about making sure they get it too.

Now the boot is on the other foot, and a little Aussie battler owns the IP and the Computer titans don’t like it and they’re fighting. But the CSIRO has to fight this case in the US and pay big US bucks to do it to. So where’s the balance? What if it wasn’t the CSIRO? What if it was a small company? How could it afford to take on these monsters? Why should the CSIRO have to fight the case in the US? - So much for a Free Trade Agreement.

We are lucky that the little Aussie battler in question is an Australian public institution, and we should demand that the Government support this fight to the bitter end – with public funds if necessary. It’s more than just a little IP at stake. It’s Australian sovereignty.

Big News Ltd Climb Down

2005-05-31T17:18:00.000+09:30

Crikey highlights an interesting phenomenon. A big, stinking, rubber-burning U-turn on the part of the News Limited tabloids.

One day they're whipping the Corby frenzy to insane levels, and the next day chief loon Ackerman is lambasting the Rednecks.

The level of sexism, racism and ignorance reflects very poorly upon Corby's supporters, no atter whether she is innocent as they believe, or guilty as she has been found by the Indonesian court.

The rednecks need to be reined in. They can express their frustration as enthusiastically as they ish but they seriously devalue their cause by resorting to gutter invective.

Crikey explains that someone in News has intervened - Given instructions to the mighty mouths to shut up and back off.

Whether it was the result of government, proprietorial or senior management
intervention, calling the News Limited tabloid dogs off just as their Corby
coverage was hotting up was an intervention. Stopping a tabloid newspaper
mid-stream in a populist campaign is like, well, stopping you-know-what just
when it's getting steamy.

The next question is, will the sleaze buckets over at Channel Nine pull their heads in?

Keep an eye out for tell tale indicators of Packer embarrassment over at Tim's propaganda factory.

Update: Right on queue - Packer climbdown in process. Also Tim quotes directly this little black duck in comments here - complete with spelling mistake (Unattributed natch apart from the appellation -online leftist). At $1 per word, the City is wondering if we should be expecting a cheque soon in the mail, and whether its Inc GST or Ex.

Its a Topsy Turvy World

2005-05-31T13:11:00.000+09:30

Extreme Right Wing celebrity blogger and rumoured journalist Mr. Tim "Fusspot" Blair, whose well known antipathy to the ABC, and more particularly that taxpayers money is used to support it, has led him to innumerable stoushes, has decided to cast his nitpicky gaze farther afield.

Mr. Blair, who has in the past been known to champion Fox News' right to make stuff up because it's their money, now seems to be concerned that Black Inc. publishers of The Monthly are paying people to write things for them.

Firth has just earned $105 for reprinting a menu. The piece continues for another two grand or so.

Is Mr. Blair proposing an alternative economic arrangement we ask? Perhaps a collective where the work and the income is equally shared?

Is this what happens at the extreme far edge of the political universe : Space and Time becomes so warped that extreme Right melds into extreme Left?

The Feel Chair

2005-05-31T09:18:00.000+09:30

The City, as you know, is a champion of progress, but we also appreciate the good things that have gone before, like when Wild Strawberry Ice-creams cost 15 cents, and indeed when there was such a thing as a Wild Strawberry Ice-creams. That, in case you had the misfortune to miss it, was back in the 70s. The era that gave us Glam Rock, Hairy Chests and Hot Pants. When high-heels for blokes were de-rigour, and when every home in Australia was required, in order to avoid ostracism, to acquire a bean bag.

A 70s Bean Bag

Only two types of people really wanted these things: Swinging, hip fellas looking to kit out their bachelor pad in the most seductive suggestive style, and Kids, who imagined these things to be a bit like a trampoline, which they were until the seams split and the polystyrene beads spilled everywhere.

Such a disaster generally required both repairs to the seam and the purchase of a second, fuller, bean bag and some rewriting of the house rules.

Beanbags had their day in the sun and then disappeared. Mostly this was because the cat pissed in them, and individually fumigating each and every bead was a chore too overwhelming for even the most fervent admirer of the 70s style.

Today though, the 21st century is able to bring you the inheritor of the bean bag tradition. Promising all the flexibility of the original bean bag, the mouldable shape that fits your body, supporting your own natural curves -but with added 21st century impracticality - Insisting on imparting every last vestige of comfort to your form even as you struggle to get out.

The Feel Chair

The Feel Chair from Anima Causa will keep you entertained for days as you try to figure out how to use it, and then days more after that as you ponder why you bought it at all, and for only $5100 that’s cheap entertainment.

The Feel Chair – Coming to a museum near you.

Dinnertime - Somewhere in Melbourne

2005-05-30T13:15:00.000+09:30

Meg: Oh, did you see the News about Schappelle Corby. Twenny years she’s got. Twenny years can ya believe that?

Dave: Unbe-f..kin-believable!

Barry: Yeah. I seen that show on Michelle Corby on Channel Nine the other night. Everyone voted , and they all reckon she’s innocent.

Meg: Its Schapelle, Barry.. and yes, we saw it too. They say you can tell she’s innocent by looking into her eyes.

Barry: Those Indonesians. They are such corrupt bastards. There’s gonna be a boycott y’know. Everyone’s gonna stop going to Bali, and buying Indonesian stuff. That’ll teach that bastards.

Dave: Yeah. Me and Meg we’re gonna go to Bali this year but now we’re gonna go to Vietnam.

Barry: And what about little Johnny Howard hey. Mr. Tough on Terror. Where is he now?. He’s cavin’ in to the bloody Indos. They’re all terrorists the Indos and little Johnny’s stickin’ up for the bastards, and I voted for the prick and all.

Dave: They should bloody send in the SAS.

Barry: Too right! They should invade the joint. Install our own judges instead of that corrupt bunch of scum.

Dave: They should’ve sent some F-111s on a strike run to Jakarta last night. They’re just pansies our government.

Barry: They should just Nuke the place and be done with it. Turn it into a glass carpark.

Meg: We don’t have nuclear weapons Barry.

Barry: Bullshit Meg. Of course we do. How do you think we beat the Russians? Stopped them invading us and all.

Dave: That’s the Americans Barry. The Americans do have nukes, but we don’t

Barry: Well the Americans then. Why don’t we just ask the Americans to nuke ‘em for us. Don’t they owe us one anyhow?

Meg: Why don’t you do something about it Barry. You’re a good talker and all. Why don’t you call up the government and give ‘em hell.

Dave: Yeah Barry. Even better, why don’t you ring into 3AW and tell Neil Mitchell – then he can tell little Johnny personally to invade the joint.

Barry: I would but they’d have to pay me for it. I’m not just gonna give the Government all my ideas for free y’know. We’re paying them good money to run this bloody country the way we want and if they don’t invade another country when the people want them to then they don’t get my vote next time.

Dave: But Beasley’s caved in already himself – He’s chickened out as well.

Barry: Yeah I heard. The fat bastard’s caved as well. What can you do?

Dave: Yeah what can you do?

Meg: Yeah shockin’……..…… Are you watchin’ the new Big Brother Barry?

Barry: Yeah, Gawd it’s a hoot. I wouldn’t mind been on that show. I reckon I know how to play that game.

Meg: My sister’s applied to be on it.

Barry: Yeah, which one, the sexy blonde one? Is she gonna shower in the nuddy?

The People Strike Back.

2005-05-29T11:32:00.000+09:30

The campaign against the stinking corruption in the ALP stepped up another notch today with the news in todays Herald Sun that charges are being laid against a member of the Powerful ALP Right faction Telmo Languiller and sidekick Karen Sherlock.

This is just the start of the vital campaign to clean out the corruption led by non-aligned member Eric Derricott, and is the first in a series of charges that are expected to be made by the ALP’s Disputes Tribunal.

The entrenched ALP Right, led by Senator Stephen Conroy, declared all out war at the big Labor Confab last weekend, have a point of course. They say that it’s just a power game. It’s just the Left and the non-aligned groups upset about their loss of power. There’s some merit in this argument, but the Right have never been willing to confront the accusations laid against them, they don’t even deny them. They just hit back saying the left are playing a dirty game, and are just as guilty.

Many proponents of the Right would have you believe that these complaints are contrived. A new thing dreamed up by the Left ever since they list power. However these accusations have been around for a long time. Even when the Left held the power. Witness this 2002 article in Crikey penned by the mysterious Delia Delegate which says:

Theo Theophanous Member for Jika Jika (an amusing title remembering that Jika
Jika was once the name of a prison) and fellow branchstackers Keilor backbencher
George Seitz, Sunshine MP Telmo Languiller, and failed candidate Carlos
Baldovino to the faction may have increased the numbers, Network insiders
believe, but they haven't added to the integrity or stability of the Victorian
right. Many within the Network group believe that an attack on these former LRA
members is vital to remove the cancer of branchstacking from the Victorian
branch. Representations are to made to Simon Crean and several Party forums
detailing the operations of the LRA, including the payment of memberships by its
leadership in breach of Party rules and many other improprieties relating to
fundraising.

There we see the same accusations of brabckstacking (and the same names) back in 2002. We also see the same attempts to involve the ALP leadership (Crean), but to no avail. Today the man in the hotseat is Beazley. He has been warned that this all could spiral out of control.

The move came as senior Labor sources revealed that Opposition Leader Kim
Beazley had been warned by senior colleagues to deal with the branch-stacking
crisis in Victoria.

Party heavyweight Bob McMullan, the member for Fraser, and frontbencher
Gavan O'Connor, the member for Corio, visited Mr Beazley in March. They stressed
that the Victorian situation could spiral out of control unless he took action.

If the Right won’t admit their failings and come clean, then how can the people of Victoria trust them. It’s a crooked corrupt organisation and everyone now knows this. We say bring it on Eric. If this tears the ALP apart in the process then it deserves to die.

(Note: Another interesting connection pops in the same Crikey article – Stephen Conroy gets an invite to Andrew Bolt’s 40th Birthday – We’re curious how deep the ties between the Andrew Bolt and ALP-Right identities go)

Guilty

2005-05-27T13:57:00.000+09:30

The Schapelle Corby drama reached its logical conclusion today with a 20 year sentence handed down to the Gold Coast girl.

What did we expect - some sort of caving in by these hard nosed Indonesian judges to the force of Australian public opinion? That they could be shamed into letting her go by accusing their country of corruption and nepotism? Yeah right.

Shapelle got exactly what we all should have expected her to get. We'd all hate to be in that position, and I'm certainly sympathetic to her plight, but I have no way of judging her guilt or innocence, and neither does anyone else in this country. If she really was guilty then she was stupid. If she was innocent then its terrible, but only a very few handful of people in the world know the actual truth, and for various reasons they're not talking.

So its up to the Indonesian courts, which it has to be - we can't expect otherwise, and they've made their call.

The PM says we must accept the verdict, and he's bloody well right on that point. But you just watch how this gets mangled into some stupid left verses right debate, how Corby becomes the object of another round of pointless pointscoring in the 'sphere.

Update: Andrew Landeryou - Ex-ALP right winger, champion of the underdog, and now apparently frenzied whipper of the horse team pulling the Corby bandwagon is saying we should invade Indonesia.

Big Battler Bunfight Bodes

2005-05-27T08:05:00.000+09:30

Ausssie Battler in Chief John Howard today launched his Industrial Relations Battler package to make it a whole lot easier for employer battlers to give the boot to employee battlers.

Greg Combet head of the ACTU, described this as a “kick in the guts to the battler”, and that he would be battling these changes until the bitter end.

The ACTU is preparing a 6 Million dollar advertising campaign designed to convince the battlers to join the battle, against the Battler in Chief.

The City is proud to announce that, in this fight, we’re on the side of the battlers.

Pollies Probe Porno

2005-05-26T22:30:00.000+09:30

Today the Herald Sun, Australia’s most popular newspaper focuses its attention North of the Murray to the raunchy antics of the sex crazed parliamentarians of New South Wales.

Apparently some MP’s are having the rare treat of copping an eyeful of horny porno at taxpayers expense. Normally this is a quiet indulgence, carried out using the parliamentary computer during a break in sitting, but now its all out in the open, and there are no accusations of abusing their privilege being made, because the skin-flick gawk-fest is sponsored by none-other than the powerful Australian Christian Lobby, and Mr. Fred Nile.

Apparently Mr. Nile knows his porno, and fast forwarded to the really hot stuff straight up, but Upper House Member Peter Green wanted everyone to sit through all the bad acting at the start so that the viewers would "understand the context". We're with Mr. Nile on this one. Why did God invent the fast forward button if he didn't intend it to be used?

Strangley though, Mr. Nile didn't wish to view the X-Rated vid that that Mr. Breen had bought along to the party also. Perhaps there wasn't enough beer left in the fridge.

Herald Sun reporter Katherine Dank said, “We wish the Victorian politicians would get up to a bit of naughtyness like they do up there in Sin City, all we get to report on is Budget and Speeding Fines and Murders. We want a bit of smut. In fact we want a lot of smut, and Mr. Bracks is just not delivering. We’ve got a newspaper to sell and Mr. Bracks has a responsibility to provide us with the filth that we need to get the Victorian public drooling over the front page headline”

We at the City will keep our ears to the ground, and will certainly pass any skanky, musky whiffs of innuendo Ms Dank’s way if the lads and lasses in Spring St. get up to any mischief.

The Saddam Underpants Song

2005-05-26T21:35:00.000+09:30

We know you've been hangin' out for it ever since Mr. Hussain showed the world what stylish dictators wear under their kilt.

Put your headphones on and enjoy the melifluous tones of Dave Ross doing the Saddam Underpants Song

Via Dvorak

Freedom Fries Finest Falls Foul of Feckless Left

2005-05-26T11:03:00.000+09:30

The poor humble defenceless Republicans who bravely keep the United States Congress and Senate safe from the malignant forces of the hugely powerful left dominated media, were saddened today to find that one of their very own brave warriors, has fallen in the battle against the nagging thought, that just maybe, Iraq wasn’t such a good idea.

Walter “Freedom Fries” Jones, the man who led the campaign to re-name the hot chips served up in the congress canteen from French Fries to Freedom Fries, and who once voted for the War has now become a steadfast opponent.

"If we were given misinformation intentionally by people in this administration, to commit the authority to send boys, and in some instances girls, to go into Iraq, that is wrong," Jones said. "Congress must be told the truth."

How could Congressmen Jones come to such a conclusion if not for the malignant force of the left-dominated media?

Then again Mr. Jones also speaks to God often, and that can only mean one thing - God is also is being way too influenced by the left dominated media.

Credit where credit's due

2005-05-25T10:43:00.000+09:30

Australia’s Foreign Minister Alexander Downer made a statement on the 2nd May to the New York Forum on the Non-Proliferation of Nuclear Weapons which demonstrates independent thinking, and a willingness to take on the United States.

Mr. Downer said:

We acknowledge progress in reducing nuclear arsenals, but expect further
steps by the nuclear weapon states. But we do not accept that movement on
nuclear disarmament should be a precondition for improvements to the
non-proliferation regime. Such an approach puts at risk the security benefit
all NPT parties derive from assurances that nuclear programs in non-nuclear
weapon states are peaceful.

Entry into force of the Comprehensive Nuclear-Test-Ban Treaty would serve the interests of all NPT parties. As coordinator of the next Article XIV conference, Australia will be striving for such an outcome.

Sure it is arcane, polite diplomat speak designed to send the average reader to sleep, but in the rarefied atmosphere of world politics it was excitement city, because Australia was taking the United States (and others), and the US’s Republican controlled Congress and Senate to task for wanting to have its cake and eat it to.

The Republicans position has always been to shilly-shally around ratification of the Comprehensive Test Ban Treaty. George Bush way back when he was Texas governor was agin it. Colin Powell said “We will not be asking for the Congress to ratify the Comprehensive Test Ban Treaty”, and John Bolton endorsed this.

The Republic position is essentially that they’ll just stonewall on this matter until it goes away. They want to maintain the flexibility of being able to test when they choose. As Australia points out (subtly though), the US’s desire to reduce the proliferation of Nuclear Weapons requires that they also play the game. The US can’t view itself as being above the rules or no-one else will feel inclined to play by them either.

There is an excellent treatment of this complex subject on Background Briefing and Tim Dunlop demonstrates how revisionist and manipulative this Republican government is when it views its self interest under attack.

The City surprises itself today as it gives a hearty pat on the back to Mr. Downer.

Independence of thought hey? Who’d of thought it?

Is Nine Guilty?

2005-05-24T17:14:00.000+09:30

The unbiased facts

Fact 1: The oily sleazebuckets at slimey Nine who have long milked ordinary Australian’s personal tragedies for their own shoddy ratings grab, and who have cultivated the art of glib sincerity to pad out their glossy infotainment package, have slipped from their number one position, and are desperate enough to do anything to bring a little tear to the eye of the Australian viewing public.

Fact 2: Dope was found in Corby’s bag

You be the judge! Guilty or Innocent - Vote now

The curious logic of the Malaysian Intellectual

2005-05-24T15:21:00.000+09:30

It is educational at times to read the views of our near neighbors. To understand what they think about important matters of the day.

In todays The Star, Malaysian Islamic Intellectual Nor Azaruddin Hushi Hj Nuruddin, expounds on the AIDs problem in his country.

What is striking about the article is not what he says, but what he doesn't say. This piece, to Australian eyes, is a curcuitous and tortured piece of going nowhere nothing. You would never read it in an Australian newspaper. It is about as indirect an obtuse as you can possibly get.

Presumably an Islamic Malaysian would be able to grasp what he's alluding to. After struggling with it for a while I've decoded his argument into this simple sentence : People with AIDs should be treated like lepers.

I guess this fellow is Malaysia's answer to Andrew Bolt.

German News Shock

2005-05-24T09:21:00.000+09:30

Germany awoke this morning to the astonishing news that Merkel feiert, Stoiber schweigt.

As they read in Der Spiegel:

Die CDU feiert ihren Sieg in Nordrhein-Westfalen und die Parteivorsitzende Angela Merkel gleich mit. Ausgerechnet ihr schärfster Widersacher Roland Koch kürt sie schon vorab zur Kanzlerkandidatin. Edmund Stoiber lässt seine künftige Rolle noch offen.

You can be sure we'll bring you more on this amazing development when more news comes to hand.

Ready Steady Gloat

2005-05-23T08:11:00.000+09:30

Melbournians were speechless yesterday when their favorite right wing extremists Andrew Bolt and Tim Blair were left flapping on the sand like so many beached cetaceans as the Pro-Greenhouse Gas tide receded leaving them stranded.

“I was left swinging in the breeze, like a 1920’s nigger” said Mr. Bolt. A sentment endorsed by Mr. Blair who proclaimed “I feel like a right plastic turkey”.

The reason for this shocking and startling development? The announcement by Prime Minister John Howard, and reported by Australia’s favorite newspaper The Herald Sun, that global warming is not a myth and is backed up by scientific evidence.

Mr. Howard said on Saturday:

"I don't believe it (global warming) is all a myth -- no I don't."

"I have seen enough scientific evidence -- I think some of the descriptions of it, some of the extreme manifestations of it, are mythical -- but I do think there is a very strong case for controlling greenhouse gas emissions."

This leaves Mr. Bolt who has previously lampooned the scientists and greenies and said that the “evidence is so paper thin”, and Mr. Blair who has mocked concerns of global warming in the past, without Prime Minsterial support.

Initially we wondered whether they might be considering a back-flip, and retreat from their hard-nosed line. “No way”, said Mr. Blair. “I’m not going to start saying now that I was only against the doomsday scenario. To start arguing that at this stage would be simply too nuanced for me and my readers”

Where's the waste go?

2005-05-21T11:09:00.000+09:30

A post on Mr. Tim "Fusspot" Blair's website seems in its dilligence to insert the word Nuke, to have forgotten to insert the accompanying slightly important question. Let's redress it shall we?

An item in the Sydney Morning Herald seems to lack a key word. Let’s redress this:

It will be almost impossible to offset the increase in greenhouse gas emissions from new power stations planned by the State Government, green groups say.

nukenukenuke - But where does the waste go?

The Government appears to have paved the way for building more coal-fired power stations, according to a draft of its white paper, obtained by the Herald.

nuke - But where does the waste go?

However, measures under its Greenhouse Gas Abatement Scheme will not compensate for the extra carbon dioxide emissions that will be created if forecasts for growth in energy demand are met by polluting technologies such as coal, said Jane Castle, resource conservation campaigner with the Total Environment Centre.

nukeynukenukeness! - But where does the waste go?

"There’s no hiding the fact they are promoting a gigantic increase in emissions. It’s time for Bob Carr to put down his green crusader label and admit he has been done over by the dirty, greedy power industry."

nukenuke ... NUKENUKENUKE! - But where does the waste go?

The white paper draft reveals how the Government plans to tackle NSW’s growing demand for electricity.

nuke? - But where does the waste go?

The Landeryou Juggernaught Continues

2005-05-20T15:05:00.000+09:30

Andrew Landeryou continues to thrill and entertain the people of Melbourne with his new blog. His media profile just keeps rising, with The Herald Sun, repeating his claims about the Adminstrator Dean McVeigh.

Also some great exchanges on the Branch Stacking furure happens in the comments box on this post. An interlocuter calling himself 'Scalper' brings a whole lot more information to the surface. Lovely stuff.

We can't help thinking though that Mr. Landeryou is still being too coy about the behind the scenes manipulation done by the Right in the ALP. All those names that we've being reading about in The Age in the last months, Conroy, Shorten, Marles etc are blameless and innocent according to Mr. Landeryou. According to him its all about The Age doing the factional bidding of one side of the party. Seems to be stretching credulity that a newspaper that values its reputation would be actively involved in such seedy underhand manouvering. Surely the potential damage would not be worth the risk even if it was inclined to do it.

Mr. Landeryou also reveals that he was once the Branch Secretary for the Caulfield Branch, in the electorate of Melbourne Ports. Enquiries conducted by The City reveal that this single branch has over 200 members. More than twice as many members as the next biggest branch in the area - St. Kilda, and that something like 180 of those members are paying membership in the lowest two tiers (claiming to earn less that $37,000 p.a.) , which as we described a few days back is seen by many as an indicator of stacking.

We wonder if Mr. Landeryou can explain why one branch is so much more successful at recruiting members than other branches in the same area, and why, in such a wealthy suburb as Caulfield, this branch has such a high number of Pensioners and and down-at-heel members. Given Mr. Landeryou's history in the branch we think he could give some valuable insights.

We also wonder, given his precarious legal position, and his many enemies, if Mr. Landeryou has decided that he'd be wise not to reveal what his old mates in the Right have got up to in the past, just in case he needs to call in a few favours down the track.

Having said that though, full marks to Mr. Landeryou for giving us one of the most entertaining blogs currently going.

Update: Before signing off for the evening and getting stuck into the nice plate of Kentucky Fried before me. I thought that Mr. Landeryou should be made aware of developments that took place while we was flitting around overseas. In March ABC 774's Jon Faine interviewed a woman known as Heather Wellington. A Medical Doctor who wanted to run for preselection in Corio. The story is here, if you need the detail. Anyway Ms Wellington specifically names, both Richard Marles, and Stephen Conroy among others as undermining her efforts in a quite manipulative and unfair way.

To suggest, as Mr. Landeryou does, that he is unware of some shady doings conducted by these people, and that they have no need to do this (which he does if you go though his comments box carefully) , and are above it all, does incline one to the view that Mr. Landeryou is not being as open and honest about everything as he's making out.

Naturally we hope this isn't the case, and we look forward to Mr. Landeryou being more candid about these aspects of his past.

So here's what we'd like a little more of - just to maintain the fairness and balance:

1. A little less coyness regarding his friends in the Right of the ALP
2. An explanation about the anomalies in Caulfield Branch

Finished?

2005-05-19T15:35:00.000+09:30

Finished?

We hope there's life in the old bugger yet.

An Experiment

2005-05-19T11:08:00.000+09:30

Here’s an experiment I’d like you to try, but only if you’re a member of the inner city latte lefty, chattering, compassion industry.

Put your copy of The Age, to one side, and repeat after me: Left Wing Media Bias. Left Wing Media Bias, Left Wing Media Bias. Say this a hundred times. Bang your head against the wall to make sure it is sinking in.

Not sure? Trust me on this. I know what’s right for you.

Grab today’s copy of The Herald Sun. Read the front page. No need to read any more, the front page is enough. All the information you need for today is there.

Tonight when you get home, switch on Channel Nine, The News. Fix your eyes on the presenter, and let the blue background give you the reassurance that you are indeed loved.

Hang in there and let A Current Affair, tell you about real compassion, about a cat stuck up a tree, being rescued by brave firefighters.

Tomorrow, go shopping. Take the credit card and MAX THE BASTARD OUT. Don’t even think about stopping until it is groaning under the load of the debt.

Bring all of the things you’ve purchased home, and start renovating. Toss out all those books. You won’t be needing them anymore. Set up the Plasma TV in the middle of the Living Room and gather the family in your arms, unless the kids want to play Video games of course, and they’ve got a TV in their own room for that.

Now here’s the difficult bit. I know it’ll be really difficult to break a lifetime habit, and sure it sounds a bit kooky at first, but I want you to close your eyes, and say these words to yourself (Yeah sure, you can wait for an Ad break), Say. I Love Australia. I Love Australia, I Love Australia and They Don’t.

Are you with me now?

Lefty Media Terror Shock Horror

2005-05-19T10:24:00.000+09:30

As expected the rhetoric over the Newsweek error, about the claim that the Koran was flushed down the toilet has reached hysterical accusation stage.

Tim Blair, lefty media fact checker par excellence, brings us the extraordinary scoop, that The Koran, although fitting in the bowl, and getting wet, doesn’t actually go down the S-bend. Lefty journalistic incompetence: Case Proven.

Andrew Bolt, tries and convicts Newsweek of the murder of 16 people, and implicates the entire Lefty-Media Cartel as co-conspirators.

Janet Albrectson twists (without lifting this time) the story into an attack on the Fairfax papers, and repeats, just in case you hadn’t heard it a million times before, the mantra of Left Wing media bias.

The Washington Post gives a comprehensive roundup of the coverage in the US from Liberal Media Bias, to cynical Right Wing exploitation of the mistake, through Bush Administration conspiracy theories, to academic anal retentiveness and symbolic logic.

The money quote:

Every media blunder these days, it seems, comes down to this: Not just a dispute over whether journalists made mistakes, as they often do, but whether their motives are malevolent.

This all begs the question. Are those accusing the Media of having malevolent motives free of malevolence themselves?

Change afoot in Stack City?

2005-05-19T07:33:00.000+09:30

The streets of Melbourne are buzzing this morning with the news that Premier Bracks has finally stepped down from his dais, to intercede in the branch stacking maelstrom that is threatening to engulf his party and himself.

It has been been self-preservation that has distanced Mr. Bracks from the storm brewing, but now it is self-preservation that is forcing Mr. Bracks' hand and requiring that he step in to fix the problem.

The ALP's entire inner workings need to be laid out on the bench, and the old worn out redundant machinery replaced by a brand spanking new Aussie built engine.

Lets hope Mr. Bracks has the courage to take the fight up to BOTH the right and the left, for it will be an ugly time indeed in Stack City as they fight to maintain the lid on their most embarrassing secret. Rampant corruption.

A Class Act

2005-05-18T22:24:00.000+09:30

If you were lucky enough to catch British MP George Galloway on SBS news tonight you saw a treat.

As the Guardian reports Mr Galloway, accused of being a Saddam supporter, accused of embezzelment in the Iraq food for oil case, was fronting a US Senate comittee hearing.

Instead of recieving a grilling like everyone else who faces this intimidating comittee. Mr Galloway, in a slow, measured way, tore the Senators apart.

As the Guardian said. It was more than political theatre. It was political bloodsports.

Take this line to one Senator:

I know that standards have slipped in Washington in recent years, but for a lawyer, you're remarkably cavalier with any idea of justice.

And this:

I met Saddam Hussein exactly the same number of times as Donald Rumsfeld met him. The difference is that Donald Rumsfeld met him to sell him guns, and to give him maps the better to target those guns.

To the Republican Senator

Everything I said about Iraq, I turned out to be right and you turned out to be wrong.

I can't see Mr. Galloway being invited back to Washington any time soon.

Update: Barista posts the whole speech. Read it. Read it all.

Corruption comes cheap in the ALP

2005-05-18T08:34:00.000+09:30

From all accounts the big ALP stoush this weekend is hotting up. Leader of the Left, Senator Kim Carr who’s nose is out of joint because his faction has lost control in the Victorian ALP has issued a call to arms to his tribe to crash the big stack party being held this weekend.

Mr. Carr asserts that of the parties 14,400 members “71 per cent of the Victorian members… claim to earn less than $32,000 per annum”, and in some electrorates “95 per cent earn less than $32,000 per annum”

Why us that significant you may ask?

It’s all about the cost of keeping fraudulent members on the books. You can see from the ALP’s on-line renewal form that the bottom two tiers of membership are $30 per year and $45 dollars per year. The filthy stack merchants, who corruptly load up branches with illegitimate members want to do it as cheap as possible naturally, and so they bung these fake members into the lowest two tiers.

If you consider that possibly half of the membership is stacked in this way, and this is confirmed by statements a few months back by Eric Dearricott, who said that about 8000 of the party's members were stacked, we can make a few calculations.

Average cost of stacking a single member = (30 + 45) / 2 = $37.5

Alleged number of stacked members = 8000

Cost of stacking, and controlling total party = 8000 * $37.5 = $300,000

That’s all! $300,000 per year and you can own a political party!

Fantastic, where do I sign?

Update: Andrew Landeryou, who's blog we summarised and critiqued just yesterday, lets rip with 'The Ugly Truth" about the ALP and Branch stacking.

Update2: It seems from a reading of Mr. Landeryou's posts, that the stories being told by The Age is only half right. That there's a second side to the story here relating to control of the Union voting block. In the ALP, the Unions are given 50% of the vote, and the regular Members 50%. So we conclude if Mr. Landeryou is right, that there's just as much manipulation going on with the Union block of votes, which it seems are controlled by THE LEFT as The Age tells us there is in the Membership block, which we can only assume is controlled by THE RIGHT. It gets murkier and more filthy by the minute.

We hope Mr. Landeryou reveals more on this startling new development.

ALP or Greens?

2005-05-17T14:21:00.000+09:30

Mr. Lefty contemplates whether he should join the corruptly factionalised ALP or the out of touch stargazers in the Greens.

He seems to lean toward the Greens in the second post which is fine and dandy, but he might consider that within the ALP in Victoria, a crisis point is being reached, with another huge bunfight predicted for this weekend.

My guess is that, assuming that the filth and corruption is cleaned out, that the ALP will be desperate for smart youngsters like Mr. Lefty, and factional allegences will be a thing of the past.

Boo Hoo Landeryou 2

2005-05-17T09:18:00.000+09:30

We though it was about time to take another look at the Blog of Andrew Landeryou. Scion of the ALP family who the Age reported on yesterday, and who you will recall, famously disappeared to America leaving his wife ALP councilor Kimberly Kitching in the lurch, and serious questions being asked about his handling of companies and monies relating to various failed Melbourne University ventures.

Mr. Landeryou, you may recall, promised dirt, and lots of it, so we’ve been over to Mr. Landeryou’s place in an attempt to separate the dirt from the bitchy backbiting, the scuttlebutt from the polemic, the piss from the wind, so as to get a sense of what Mr. Landeryou has achieved so far.

Mr Landeryou

So let’s start at the start: What does Mr. Landeryou promise to reveal?

Day 1: Tuesday May 3rd 2005 – A big day

Promises: a “warts and all account”, a “no-holds barred extravaganza of truth, justice and [his] way”.

Promises: to “[expose] yet untold tales about the King Solomon Lew and his court jester highly secretive ..Michael McLeod”, to reveal all about “[manipulation of] Coles Myer AGM’s to financing branch stacking”.

Promises: that “Evan Thornley a former business partner of [his] ..will also find a great deal of old memories to ponder as he enjoys his retirement”

Asserts: That the Age gets its facts wrong, and that a company called IQ Corporation (one of Landeryou’s companies) and other Landeryou vehicles gave lots of money to the ALP over the years.

Brings a new, and seemingly unrelated player into the tale: A Dean McVeigh. The liquidator of the failed Melbourne University Student Union, with the implication that Mr. Veigh’s fees are possibly excessive and a request that they be revealed. It doesn’t seem that Mr. McVeigh has much connection with Mr. Landeryou’s past, but Mr. Landeryou is now interested in Mr. McVeigh

Day 2

Paints The Age and journalist Leonie Wood as inner city latte lefties, who get their facts wrong and don’t understand business.

Clarifies that Evan Thornley is not a target actually, but just didn’t run his company Looksmart well. The same company that turned Mr. Thornley into a multi-millionaire.

Unearths a connection between Mr McVeigh, the Liquidator and Solomon Lew.

Introduces for the first time The Wardlow Transaction, and rails at a comment in an ABC report by Michael McLeod (Sol Lew’s jester see above). Mr. Landeryou asserts that he, his wife and his father were effectively “blackmailed” into buying $3 Million worth of shares in IQ Corporation by Sol Lew. According to Mr. Landeryou, it was a “shakedown”, “a transaction as notorious and as corrupt as possibly any other in [Sol Lew’s] career”. (more on this later)

Day 3

Discusses money laundering by Unions, and Alleges that Brian Daley – A Union boss, The President of the ALP in Victoria and a key member of THE LEFT, effectively taxes his union members to create a slush fund which is then drawn on to finance election campaign activities

Has several more goes at The Age and reporter Leonie Wood

Reveals where he was all that time when people were looking for him: Namely Costa Rica, Honduras and the US – But doesn’t reveal what he did, just gives a little pitch for a future role on ‘Getaway’.

Day 4

More about the Liquidator McVeigh, which Mr Landeryou seems to be quite obsessed with now. He commits to probe Mr. McVeigh further. His request that McVeigh’s fees are investigated is not unreasonable.

Allegations in court that Mr. Landeryou forged signatures and enquiries over missing millions.

Digresses with stories about his dog and The Age. Seems to hate The Age.

Day 5

More of the same on McVeigh and his Fees.

Day 6

Nothing important

Day 7

Details The Wardlow Transaction . Explains that IQ corporation was an Internet startup. The company’s purpose was to ride the internet bubble, and that Sol Lew’s investment was an attempt to profit from that. The bubble burst before the profits could be made, and Landeryou alleges that Sol Lew’s minders forced him and his wife to sign over her house (called Wardlow) under threat of a barrage of negative publicity which would ruin his and her political careers. The house worth $3 Million was exchange for Sol Lew’s shares in the already failed IQ Corporation. Commenters on his blog quite rightly ask why he signed. He reaffirms it was all about wanting to avoid Sol Lew’s bad publicity threat.

Claims that Solomon Lew is spying on him. Has photos to prove it, and provides additional details. Implies that Somolon Lew’s law firm is involved in the surveillance also.

Day 8

Makes a spurious and irrelevant connection between Sol Lew and Evan Thornley.

In one massive post, takes issue with another Fairfax paper the Financial Review for being biased. Promises to tell more about Evan Thornley if he runs for office. And accuses the Fin Review Journalist of having an ALP factional barrow to push.

Counts Ronald Reagan as a great man.

Day 9

Introduces a new story about Solomon Lew and a meat-pie company. He claims the pies were dodgy.

Plans to create a catalogue of complaints from people who hold a grudge against Sol Lew.

Day 10 – May 12th A busy day.

Accuses the ABC of getting it wrong.

Has a dig at various people on THE LEFT. Pretty much seems to despise THE LEFT from what I can see.

Suggests that the campaign being run by The Age against ALP branch stacking is a result of THE LEFT calling in favours. Once again mentions Brian Daley, and his alleged slush funds used to achieve political aims.

Again mentions McVeigh and an apparent reluctance to reveal his liquidators fees, and has a dig at liquidators in general.

Further digs at the professionalism of The Age’s Leonie Wood

Gushes about Liberal MP Sophie Panopolous, who is one of the Victorian Liberals putting pressure on Mr. Howard to cut taxes back to 30%, and is backing Voluntary Student Unionism legislation.

Give political advice to Kim Beazley.

Day 11

Repeats himself on McVeigh, The Age, and Leonie Wood

Discusses Coles-Myer profit results and suggests that Sol Lew is not happy that they are doing so well without him.

Alleges branch stacking by THE LEFT

Touches on some incident relating to child porn and ALP people. Difficult to follow.

Day 12

Decides to get stuck into Leonie Wood again, and the way she writes her articles.

Takes a swipe at another Fairfax journalist Alan Ramsay for poor journalism

Comments on Sol Lew’s general business philosophy as cited in the Fin.

More on the child porn incident and some resultant sackings, and the ALP connection.

Day 13

More of the same on The Age and lefty bias.

Photos of McVeigh and his Rolls Royce

Day 14 Monday 16th

More reports on McVeigh and his car collection.

An ABC interview with Jon Faine. Faine gets high marks for niceness, but is marked down for lack of research.

Complains about pervasive Left Wing bias at the ABC.

Reports that McVeigh’s neighbors are not happy wth McVeighs neigbourliness.

A Promise that the next day an exiting story about Sol Lew will be given

Day 15

Applauds the Herald Sun for fair and balanced journalism in reporting the child porn incident, and the ALP factional connection.

Once again gushes over Liberal Party MP Sophie Panolopous, and her backing of Voluntary Student Unionism (VSU) legislation.

Alleges that Sol Lew used his position in Coles Myer and access to its resources to secure a lucrative personal deal with American fashion brand Nine West, effectively dudding Coles Myer shareholders.

Summary

What does it all mean? Does Mr Landeryou deliver on his promises? Here’s our take:

Pros

- Tells his stories in that breathless Herald Sun reporting style that we so love.
- Delivers some interesting stories about his nemesis Sol. Lew. There’s no doubt more to come on this.
- Gives a reasonably convincing explanation of the Wardlow transaction, apart from his motive for signing
- Alleges some rorts occurring in the ALP left. Slush funds and the like.
- Seems to be asking important questions of the Administrator Mr McVeigh which surely he should answer

Cons

- Fails (so far) to mentions anything about the manipulation of the Coles Myer AGM
- Fails to identify any rorts in the ALP Right, (only the Left) despite promising to reveal all about financial branch stacking – It looks like there some things he’s not willing to divulge.
- Lets Evan Thornley off the hook quite early after initially promising much
- Hasn’t adequately explained his movements overseas, and what all the bank transactions were about.
- Harps on far too much about the Age, Fairfax,the ABC and left bias

Mr. Landeryou is doing a pretty fair job, and in an engaging and in a sensationalist style reminiscent of Hush-Hush magazine in LA Confidential, which we just love. He’d probably be revealing much more if we wasn’t trying to tread carefully through the legal minefield.

He is without doubt delivering on his promise to reveal all about Sol Lew, and his pursuing of McVeigh, who has no connection with Mr. Landeryou’s past it seems, but who should be answering questions about administration fees, is admirable.

Where he disappoints is that he lets his blind hatred of THE LEFT direct his revelations. In the ALP both THE RIGHT and THE LEFT factions have been engaging in appallingly shady deals, and corrupt practices such as branch stacking for years and years and years. It is ingrained in their culture. They don’t know how to operate without it. They are both as guilty as hell, but Mr. Landeryou only seems to be prepared to talk about THE LEFT.

We think he would do the people of Victoria a great service if he exposed ALL of the pus infecting the ALP. One of Australia’s most important institutions We hope he does.

Koran Story Wrong

2005-05-16T14:46:00.000+09:30

Lefty Newspaper the Guardian reports, that lefty magazine Newsweek, admits that it got its story wrong about the Koran being desecrated in Guantanamo Bay resulting in riots in the Muslim World.

Prepare yourselves for the 'liberal bias' hurricane.

The Smartest State

2005-05-15T13:04:00.000+09:30

I was gobsmacked today, when doing my regular review of the State of the Nation to find that Queensland’s Premier Peter Beattie, has stolen a march on the rest of the country, reinforcing his claim for Smart State Status by putting forward a ten year plan, to place Queensland on the top of the nation’s cleverness totem pole, in this the Clever Country.

Mr. Beattie’s vision is summed up in the tag-line.

Smart Queensland: Smart State Strategy is about building tomorrow’s Queensland today.

Now don’t get me wrong I have no problem with Queensland’s pluck, good luck to them I say, but we Victorians can’t simply let this overtaking manoeuvre occur without some form of challenge. A bit of a sudden swerve into their lane might be required, just to send the message that we’re onto their game, and to dent their cocky confidence a bit. Here they are, sitting in our blind-spot all this time, and it’s only just now come to our attention.

It does beg the question also, who else do we need to keep an eye on? A quick visit around the traps reveals that South Australia needs to be goaded into action - So no problem there. Western Australia has the pedestrian ambition of making itself a better place to live. New South Wales didn’t seem to be offering much more than a Featured Service, which changes regularly but when I visited, was generously offering for its citizens to pay their fines online. This may be exciting North of the Murray, but isn’t going to work down here. The Northern Territory is just confusing us with too much information, and Tasmania at least, is making the most out of its greatest asset - Its Map.

No, its clear. Queensland is the one to watch out for.

We Victorians need a strategy, and more importantly, a phrase of our own with which to take on this mighty challenge from Queensland. But first we need to take a look at ourselves. Are we just coasting? We used to have a slogan. “Victoria on the Move”. It spoke of dynamism, of action. It spelt standing around a roulette table, with gorgeous women dripping off your arm. But now? We’re static. Our slogan is “The Place to be”. More like the place to park your arse! We’re not just resting on our laurels, we’re virtually comatose!

This is a call to action my friends. What slogan can possibly meet this presumption head on? A simple adjustment of Queensland’s own call to arms produces this:

Smarter Victoria: Building next week’s Victoria now!

Which is certainly more ambitious than Queensland’s catchcry, but is it enough? Indeed, is it possible for one single catchcry to represent all the unique diversity that Victoria can offer to the world?

Like all things in this globalised marketplace, if you want to be successful you have to tailor you offering to each customer. People these days demand and expect personalised service. It’s about the individual, and we’ve got to recognise these trends if we want to stay at the forefront.

After conducting extensive market research, we’ve been able to segment the market into various influential interest groups.

For the business community we offer:

Victoria : Nothing but Upside

For the visionaries and futurists:

Victoria : Stand by for Warp Speed

For the traditionalists:

Victoria: Not just a Queen, but a State of being.

And to drive the message home to each and every Victorian, we want to see all the correspondence that is sent to us OHMS, personalised to the extent that our very own name appears within the letter head on all correspondence. To wit:

Victoria: Keeping up with you, Rex Ringschott!

There’ll be no more whinging from a disgruntled, and self-centred populace, once the government picks up on this idea.

Any suggesstions that you may have will be most appreciated, and we' ll be sure to pass them on to the Premier.

Google Content Blocker

2005-05-14T14:04:00.000+09:30

Those brilliant folk at Google have finally come up with a way of making the Web pay.

Molehills or Mountains?

2005-05-13T16:05:00.000+09:30

Since we at The City just love a good old stoush we couldn’t help but be delighted by the huge storm being built up around the Amanda Vanstone – Tony Eastley edited AM transcript affair.

I’m not going to summarise the detail because you can read about it here and here and here, but I did notice that pretty much everyone was having to regurgitate from memory the interchange between the two, because the ABC had decided to edit the transcript. Edit out the bad bits.

So everyone was going by memory, everyone that is except Tim Blair, who seemed to have access to the actual transcript somehow. Indeed he confirms his source as the Department of Immigration. At the bottom of his post it says "(transcript via the Dept. of Immigration)"

So I duly went to the Department of Immigration’s website, and the Minister's website looking to see if they kept all of the media material featuring Senator Amanda Vanstone online, but be blowed if I could find it up there.

So I thought I’d give them a call, and see if they’d email me a copy. I was put though to the Public Relations and Media unit, and asked if they’d mind just emailing a copy of the transcript to me as well.

Y’know what? They asked who I was. “A concerned member of the public” was my natural and honest response.

After some confab behind the scenes, where I could hear them conferring as to whether a member of the public was allowed to have this material, they came back to the phone, and to my disappointment, told me that I was not allowed to have it.

I asked if should I speak to the Minister’s office. They said that I would get the same response, because you see, its all copyrighted. Its all owned by Media Monitors. Media Monitors record all the radio programs, turn them into transcripts and sell them to whoever needs them. Including the Department of Immigration.

So how, I ask myself, does Tim Blair manage to get hold of a transcript, not available to members of the public, but paid for by that public’s taxes, how does he manage to do this? Was his source actually Media Monitors, and he paid the necessary fee, or did someone deep within the bowels of the Department email him the transcript, which would be breaching government rules, or maybe Mr Blair's good friends with people in high places, with access to stuff not available to you and me, and who don’t mind the information being made public when it suits them?

Maybe its nothing. Maybe this is the way things work with experienced journalists like Mr. Blair. Or maybe there’s not a level playing field out there.

It does beg these questions though:

- Should the Department of Immigration be passing on material that it does not own the copyright to?
- Why is this material available so some select people but not the public at large?
- Should the Department of Immigration be providing material, paid for by the public purse, to a person known to have an idealogical hatred of the ABC, so that it can be used to embarrass the ABC, when it is clear that the ABC regrets what happened (because it edited the transcript, and Mr Eastley apologised)?
- What is the relationship between Mr. Blair and the Department of Immigration?

You be the judge!

Beazley Budget Buzz Bafflement

2005-05-13T10:16:00.000+09:30

I didn’t get to see Mr. Beasley’s Budget Reply speech last night, but according to those whose views I respect it was good.

That’s not the message I got though from reading the leading article this morning in Australia’s favorite newspaper The Heralds Sun.

Understand that I’m a busy man, and that I have to snatch my news grabs in the car on the way to work, balancing the paper on my knee while negotiating traffic madness, and shaving in the rear vision mirror. That’s why I read the Herald Sun – It gives me the news intravenously.

First the Headline:

Beazley plan to hit high-income earners

Jeez, I thought. A roundhouse from Bomber. Poor bastards!

Then the next line

KIM Beazley last night pledged a $12-a-week tax cut to middle Australia that he knows he will never have to deliver.

That’s cheating. I thought. That’s almost like making an election promise and then breaking your word. What a bastard! But then:

The handout would be funded by slashing Budget tax breaks for high-income earners and keeping the unpopular superannuation surcharge.

Where’s the ALP compassion I thought? This is terrible. And then we see the true motive. The desperation of a big man in trouble.

In a desperate bid to deal himself back into the tax reduction battle, the Opposition leader proposed doubling Treasurer Peter Costello's $6-a-week cut for workers earning between $35,000 and $60,000.

It wasn’t until I spoke with those that actually saw it, that the old cognitive dissonance kicked in and I started to do a bit of sniffing around.

It turns out that the well meaning folk running The Herald Sun have been receiving an ear-bashing from their own financial wiz-kid Terry McCrann. Terry who earns $300,000 pa, embarrassed himself by gushing like a schoolgirl over the Costello budget without listening to the Beasley alternative first. He forgot his responsibility to get both sides of the story poor fella, and no doubt the considerate folk at the Herald Sun decided that they must support their man, which is of course a laudable thing.

We’ll give the Herald Sun the benefit of the doubt in this case and let them off with a light slap on the wrist. We know ourselves how difficult it can be to tread that fine line between fairness and balance.

Good news story

2005-05-12T10:24:00.000+09:30

We all love a good news story, even in its not from Iraq, and WBB has got a cracker!

What I'm Reading

2005-05-12T08:25:00.000+09:30

At the moment I’m reading a book about power, revenge and lust. Its title escapes me but it’s a novel set in Arabia in the sixteenth century. So far I’ve got in about five or six pages. The characters all have names like Al Mahalawawi bin Ibrahim Ibn Maahwa, and Al Mubin bin Saaad Ibn Faal, and Ibn bin Halawai bin Sultan.

I generally get to about page 2 or 3 where I find that these characters tend to merge into one, which makes the plot particularly hard to follow. By the time I get to page 5 or 6, I find my mind has sauntered off elsewhere and the last three pages have been a blur requiring me to go back to page 1 or 2 and pick up where I left off.

It’s either that, or I nod off to sleep and am awoken by the thud of the book hitting the floor. This causes me to lose my place and requires that I start again.

I’m toying with the idea of abandoning it altogether, but I’ve hung in there for so long now it seems a shame to just give up.

To be honest, unless you’ve plenty of time on your hands, I don’t really recommend this book.

Opinion and Balance Shock Horror

2005-05-11T14:37:00.000+09:30

Melbourne was shocked today to discover that not just their's, but Australia's favorite newspaper The Herald Sun, has modified its online presence so that its cavalcade of stars, well its binary star, consisting of Terry McCrann and Andrew Bolt, has been given its own little halo of minor stars. All now twinking happily alongside the great and mighty ones under the OPINION banner on the left hand side.

And just so we don't miss them, this constellation is given the appelation "new". Perhaps they've been newly created out of cosmic dust, or from the remnants of a super nova, but the only giant star explosions that we were aware of were happening over at Nine.

Anyway, we're delighted to see these new folk on board, it'll keep the the big boys on their toes, knowing that there is now so many pretenders to the throne.

How the hapless burghers of Melbourne will cope with this gigantic upheaval in the firmament is anybody's guess though. They were just getting used to digesting Mr. Bolts and Mr. McCrann's astringent medicine when suddenly they're being asked to find room for other powerful purgatives.

Nothing concentrates the mind like having no choice, and now I fear that my poor Melbourne brethren are being given too much to ponder all at once. It'll be confusing times for us folks down here in Melbourne, and we'll just have to ask for the forebearance of our interstate friends while we muddle on through.

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